Ok Mummy.
Let’s talk ‘Mother’s Day’.
Let’s get a few things straight for next weekend shall we…
Firstly.
It’s not your day. It’s mine. You’re only a Mummy because of ME. Ergo – MY DAY. Buy me shit.
You’ve had your fun. If you think for a second I haven’t spotted you on facebook during the seventh verse of The Wheels on the Bus, you’re wrong. I see you. I see EVERYTHING. Like Jesus.
So. Here are my requirements on this, the other day of the year celebrating my birth:
I want a unicorn.
And some chips.
I’d suggest some kind of unicorn-based-chip-transport to kill two birds with one stone…
On a side note. Please put some bloody mascara or lipgloss on when we go out from now on. I saw that ‘no make-up selfie’ you put on Facebook this week. I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
No. I won’t give you a life in candy crush so stop shitting asking.
At bedtime, I wish to not only pick the story, but also decide in which order we read the pages.
I should like to spend any time I’m not eating surrounded by balls. Of all colours. Except orange. F@*k you orange.
Please cut the crusts from my sandwiches. Just before I refuse to eat them anyway. And demand a sausage.
When I tip the beaker before it reaches my mouth showering myself in drink that’s because that’s the way I BASTARD WELL LIKE IT OK.
Sniff my arse in public again and I’ll have your kidneys removed with spoons and made into shoes.
From now on I should like to go swimming at least once a day…. And by swimming I mean wear my swimming costume and arm bands to the edge of the pool and then scream the second my foot touches the water before leaving clung to your neck like a agoraphobic koala.
I shall now be moving everywhere via the medium of ‘Ballet’. When things get ugly around the house, I shall also be using Ballet as a martial art to put shit back in line.
Don’t touch my hair again. (The kidneys-spoon-thing from earlier applies to this too.)
Also. I hiss now. The cats taught me.
I can wear hats, I just choose not to. You, however, should not wear hats. Just saying.
You were mistaken. My version of ‘Dinkle, Dinkle, Little Start’ is clearly far superior… But I forgive you. Because you’re pretty. And bring me pizza.
Oh yeah, and Daddy says yes, he got all your very unsubtle hints about wanting something Mulberry shaped by way of a Mother’s Day gift from me, but he’s gone with my suggestion of some Mummy Pig socks and a Curly-Wurly. Thank me later. I got your back.
haha Maybe you could negotiate a Mulberry bag filled with curly wurlys. Then everyone is happy! 😉
ReplySounds winwin to me 😉 lol x
ReplyKnew I shouldn't have read this post on the bus *funny looks from other passengers. Eff it….kidneys-into-shoes so worth it.
ReplyHa 😉 I shall issue public transport advance warnings in future… Lol xx
ReplyOmg. I can imagine my little boy will be thinking things like this soon. Hilarious but also scary 🙂 my boy is only 14 months. God help me.
ReplyHa 😉 we all get there… Slowly, painfully…. But there… Heehee xxx
ReplyOh no invoking the wrath of JC thats a whole new kettle of fish 😉
ReplyWell exactly! Lol! Xx
ReplyHa! Feeling your pain on the 'can't but won't' hats thang… And the swimming/ agoraphobic koala impressions. Great post.
ReplyThanks missus 😉 xx
ReplyHAHAHAHAHA! And this is why you are a MADS finalist. Excuse me while I go change my knickers, may have pee'd myself a bit reading this! x
Reply*sniggering* well thank you! And sorry about your knickers… lol xx
ReplyI am laughing so hard right now, this is just brilliant; love;love!
Popping over from Magic Moments
Replyhahaha x thank you xx
ReplyWhen you find that unicorn chip machine can you get me one in pink. Tar very much. And congrats on the MADS – well deserved xx I think I'll be lucky if I get a finger of fudge (didn't even know Mulberry was an option – booooo hoo!!) x
ReplyI'd be pretty happy with a finger of fudge… ha! Thank you lovely xxx
ReplyLOL, so glad you got shortlisted for the MAD's you definitely deserve it x
ReplyThank you so much! xxx
ReplyFunny! An LOL post =P
#MM
Replyheehee x thank you! xx
ReplyVery good, not quite how I hope my Mothers Day will go!
ReplyHa! Me neither! Although I have a sneaking suspicion it may be fairly similar… lol xx
ReplyAh the WallyBubba plays Candy Crush? I shall hook up with her in a bit.
ReplyCongrats on the news lovely, and enjoy your Curly Wurly 🙂
Thanks 😉 we will partying again! xx
ReplyYou're on fire today! I am loving the kidneys/spoon threat….just you wait, when you've got a tween, this might actually be verbalised. Yesterday, mine threatened to 'stab me in the neck with a knife' if I dared to suggest an early night again. No, I am actually serious!
ReplyOMG that's hilarious… I often wonder if mine's 'actual' threats will be as vivid as the ones I wrote for her… lol x
ReplyTeenagers are great – you can actually just say 'fuck it' and eat Pringles and chocolate all day on Mother's Day and then when they ask what's for tea you announce you've already eaten and it's time to start cooking for yourselves…. 😀
ReplyI like this a lot 🙂 *sniggering*
Replylol lol OMG this is so so funny!! and all so very true!!
thanks for linking up and sharing with #MagicMoments x
ReplyThank you! Xxx
ReplyROTFLMAO! Hilarious, as always! Xx
ReplyHa! Thank you xxxx
ReplyI nearly inhaled my wine and you know that's not what it's for! Absolutely brilliant post, so very funny. Really chuffed you're a finalist, well done lovely. I'm expecting to drink with you WAY before midnight XXX
Replyteeheehee x ok… you bent my arm 😉 xxx
ReplyHe he, all so true! Congrats lovely 🙂
ReplyHa 😉 thanks lovely xxxx
ReplyHa ha! Enjoy those mummy pig socks 😉
ReplyThanks… *pulls scowly face* lol xx
Reply