- If she can’t see her vagina, neither can you. STAY AWAY BABY-MAKING-PENIS-OF-WOMB-DOOM.
- Don’t congratulate your balls. It’s not funny.
- No. You can’t touch her breasts. Because a thousand tiny razors are slicing through her nipples… Do it again, and you will get cut.
- When you’re asked to rub her back, you better channel Hans the Swedish God of Hands and go to shitting town on those ligaments.
- There can never be too much cake. Even when she says she doesn’t want cake, you should ensure you have emergency cake. And carry hobnobs about your person whilst out and about.
- Falling asleep before her is basically divorce grounds.
- Snoring will result in you being stabbed.
- Your area of the sofa has been dramatically diminished. To the floor.
- When she says yes. She means no. But if you then accept her no, she will be upset that you no longer see her as a yes person. Which is the same as calling her fat. You bastard. Why are you struggling to grasp this?!?
- Failing that. Any time you can’t think what to say; run her a bath. With candles. And bubbles. And magic fanny-mending fairies.
- Last resort. Punch yourself in the face. It’ll make her feel better.
- When you signed the marriage certificate, you signed away your right to even look like you’ve noticed her pregnancy farts.
- The above also applies to leg shaving… or lack of…
- You only get the end bits of the garlic french-stick now. Just so you know.
- You should be sympathy-sober, sympathy-fat and sympathy-doing-the-f@*king-housework from now on.
- Don’t tell her she’s glowing. Buy her a KFC Bargain Bucket for one and watch as she cries tears of joy into the secret recipe coating.
- Whatever you do… if you value your skin… and penis… don’t mention gin.
- And finally… Any man who reads this and comments ‘poor bastard’ in regard to my husband should be reminded that throughout the 9-months of sheer hell I am enduring which will culminate in a human battering-ram thrusting its way out of my already battle-weary uterus, his contribution was to have sex. So, unless you’ve shat a marrow with a face and fingernails you can’t f@*king comment. Just saying.
#dontsaygin
#snorestabbing
#facemarrow
My husband and i are all but separated after baby number two, so good luck! I'm facing life as a single mum of two under two, and im really scared about it!
ReplyHope a sense of humour gets your through 😉 x
ReplyPissing myself and forwarding this to my husband right now. Hilarious…as always!
Replyha! Cheers :))) xx
Replyyour so bloody funny!! genius rant!! bookmarked for the hubbs if im ever pregnant again hehe xx
Replylol 😉 husbands take note eh! xx
ReplyHehe so it sounds like it's going well and everything's as expected? 😉
Replyyup 😉 just ordering pizza and receiving a back massage! :)) xx
ReplyWow, the first anonymous comment can't see the funny side can they!?
ReplyYou had me nearly wetting myself at the bargain bucket! x
hahaha x Love a bit of secret recipe chicken me! x *weeps with joy just at the thought* lol xx
ReplyYou sound like you are in that happy, radiant stage of pregnancy 😉
ReplyYes. The violent stage. 🙂 lol xx
ReplyLoving the face marrow!!! Lol
Reply*sniggers* :))) x
ReplyLove the marrow x
Replyheehee xxx
ReplyOh the lols bab. I loved number 11! I am sad I am not preggers so you could witness how horrific I am. Like literally the worst. Love it xxx
ReplyPahaha x You should get knocked up juts to prove a point… lol xxx
ReplyLOVE it lolol x
ReplyThank lovely! xxx
ReplyAwwww – how did I miss the announcement – too bloody busy. Congratulations! Clearly I love babies – and being pregnant can be an excuse for everything! Enjoy! xx
Replyha 😉 Thank you misses x and yes, I think you should consider yourself an expert in the field! lol xxx
ReplyHahahaha! Amazing 🙂 can I use the snore stabbing rule even though I'm not pregnant? xx
p.s. husbands should always only get the ends of garlic french stick, just saying 😉 x
ReplyYes – snore stabbing at any time si perfectly acceptable. #truestory 🙂 x
ReplyI will never look at a marrow in quite the same way again…
When High Command was pregnant I made the glib comment when she was moaning one day that 'Iook I know what its like to pregnant I was fat once' to say it went down quicker than an iraqi insurgency would be an understatement!!
Oh and your poor husband ;op
ReplyI'm amazed you lived to tell the tale… Lol 🙂 ha!
ReplyLove this. Love the no/ yes/ fat situation. And the pregnancy farts. Hang on in there, only five months until the game changes all over again.
ReplyHaha x well indeed… The blog posts may get even more vivid! Lol xx
Replyhahaha LOVE this!! x
ReplyThank you! Lol xxx
ReplyThanks for reminding me of times past. I think. Post-menopausal self breathing sight of relief… 😉
ReplyWelcome 😉 teehee xxx
ReplyNO ONE wants the garlic bread ends! Brilliant lady, you should get an award of summink…
ReplyHa 😉 well, it's funny you should say that… Xx
ReplySo good that you're enjoying your pregnancy so much – it really does bring a couple together in a very special way, doesn't it? Paha! Xx
ReplyPahahahaha x that it does 😉 xxx
ReplyYou should be running the country! X
ReplyYet somehow my phone calls to David Cameron get ignored… Lol! Xx
ReplyMaybe Emmas Diary or Bounty Pack can include this as a gift to the Dads to be!!! x
ReplyPahahahaha x I should so email them 😉 lol xx
ReplyHahahaha I love this. Perfectly encapsulates how I felt during both my pregnancies. #onemonththengin
ReplyAll very funny. Here is a pro tip for the ladies: don’t actually behave this way.
ReplyThanks Man. Excellent advice. (That last bit was a lie) 😉
Reply