- If she can’t see her vagina, neither can you. STAY AWAY BABY-MAKING-PENIS-OF-WOMB-DOOM.
- Don’t congratulate your balls. It’s not funny.
- No. You can’t touch her breasts. Because a thousand tiny razors are slicing through her nipples… Do it again, and you will get cut.
- When you’re asked to rub her back, you better channel Hans the Swedish God of Hands and go to shitting town on those ligaments.
- There can never be too much cake. Even when she says she doesn’t want cake, you should ensure you have emergency cake. And carry hobnobs about your person whilst out and about.
- Falling asleep before her is basically divorce grounds.
- Snoring will result in you being stabbed.
- Your area of the sofa has been dramatically diminished. To the floor.
- When she says yes. She means no. But if you then accept her no, she will be upset that you no longer see her as a yes person. Which is the same as calling her fat. You bastard. Why are you struggling to grasp this?!?
- Failing that. Any time you can’t think what to say; run her a bath. With candles. And bubbles. And magic fanny-mending fairies.
- Last resort. Punch yourself in the face. It’ll make her feel better.
- When you signed the marriage certificate, you signed away your right to even look like you’ve noticed her pregnancy farts.
- The above also applies to leg shaving… or lack of…
- You only get the end bits of the garlic french-stick now. Just so you know.
- You should be sympathy-sober, sympathy-fat and [email protected]*king-housework from now on.
- Don’t tell her she’s glowing. Buy her a KFC Bargain Bucket for one and watch as she cries tears of joy into the secret recipe coating.
- Whatever you do… if you value your skin… and penis… don’t mention gin.
- And finally… Any man who reads this and comments ‘poor bastard’ in regard to my husband should be reminded that throughout the 9-months of sheer hell I am enduring which will culminate in a human battering-ram thrusting its way out of my already battle-weary uterus, his contribution was to have sex. So, unless you’ve shat a marrow with a face and fingernails you can’t [email protected]*king comment. Just saying.
My husband and i are all but separated after baby number two, so good luck! I'm facing life as a single mum of two under two, and im really scared about it!Reply
Hope a sense of humour gets your through 😉 xReply
Pissing myself and forwarding this to my husband right now. Hilarious…as always!Reply
ha! Cheers :))) xxReply
your so bloody funny!! genius rant!! bookmarked for the hubbs if im ever pregnant again hehe xxReply
lol 😉 husbands take note eh! xxReply
Hehe so it sounds like it's going well and everything's as expected? 😉Reply
yup 😉 just ordering pizza and receiving a back massage! :)) xxReply
Wow, the first anonymous comment can't see the funny side can they!?Reply
You had me nearly wetting myself at the bargain bucket! x
hahaha x Love a bit of secret recipe chicken me! x *weeps with joy just at the thought* lol xxReply
You sound like you are in that happy, radiant stage of pregnancy 😉Reply
Yes. The violent stage. 🙂 lol xxReply
Loving the face marrow!!! LolReply
*sniggers* :))) xReply
Love the marrow xReply
Oh the lols bab. I loved number 11! I am sad I am not preggers so you could witness how horrific I am. Like literally the worst. Love it xxxReply
Pahaha x You should get knocked up juts to prove a point… lol xxxReply
LOVE it lolol xReply
Thank lovely! xxxReply
Awwww – how did I miss the announcement – too bloody busy. Congratulations! Clearly I love babies – and being pregnant can be an excuse for everything! Enjoy! xxReply
ha 😉 Thank you misses x and yes, I think you should consider yourself an expert in the field! lol xxxReply
Hahahaha! Amazing 🙂 can I use the snore stabbing rule even though I'm not pregnant? xx
p.s. husbands should always only get the ends of garlic french stick, just saying 😉 xReply
Yes – snore stabbing at any time si perfectly acceptable. #truestory 🙂 xReply
I will never look at a marrow in quite the same way again…
When High Command was pregnant I made the glib comment when she was moaning one day that 'Iook I know what its like to pregnant I was fat once' to say it went down quicker than an iraqi insurgency would be an understatement!!
Oh and your poor husband ;opReply
I'm amazed you lived to tell the tale… Lol 🙂 ha!Reply
Love this. Love the no/ yes/ fat situation. And the pregnancy farts. Hang on in there, only five months until the game changes all over again.Reply
Haha x well indeed… The blog posts may get even more vivid! Lol xxReply
hahaha LOVE this!! xReply
Thank you! Lol xxxReply
Thanks for reminding me of times past. I think. Post-menopausal self breathing sight of relief… 😉Reply
Welcome 😉 teehee xxxReply
NO ONE wants the garlic bread ends! Brilliant lady, you should get an award of summink…Reply
Ha 😉 well, it's funny you should say that… XxReply
So good that you're enjoying your pregnancy so much – it really does bring a couple together in a very special way, doesn't it? Paha! XxReply
Pahahahaha x that it does 😉 xxxReply
You should be running the country! XReply
Yet somehow my phone calls to David Cameron get ignored… Lol! XxReply
Maybe Emmas Diary or Bounty Pack can include this as a gift to the Dads to be!!! xReply
Pahahahaha x I should so email them 😉 lol xxReply
Hahahaha I love this. Perfectly encapsulates how I felt during both my pregnancies. #onemonththenginReply
All very funny. Here is a pro tip for the ladies: don’t actually behave this way.Reply
Thanks Man. Excellent advice. (That last bit was a lie) 😉Reply