A is for still for alcohol. If you don’t drink, you’re probably shit, not a parent and possibly not even a real person. Yeah. We can’t be friends.
B is for breaking point. And knowing that yours is far away with the gin fairies in the big white toilet in the sky at the end of the mother shitting rainbow…
C is chocolate. You don’t even chew anymore… if it doesn’t go down in one, the toddler might notice.
D is for dinnertime and all the weeping you’ve done… as you scrape yet another lovingly prepared meal into the pedal bin and pass them a bowl of cheerios.
E is for envy. No of course I’m happy you had a nice time on your 5* luxury adult-only child-free holiday while I cried into some weetabix as the toddler hit me in the face with a Peppa Pig tambourine…. Really [email protected]*king happy…
F is for [email protected]*k. And how many times I say that a day…
G is for GGGGIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN. If you have to ask why, please see point A.
H is for humous. What an evil twat that stuff is.
I for ice cream. Your one ‘ace in the hole’… The bribery tool of parents globally. A mystical and magical power to be cherished and never abused. And mostly used to allow you (up to) ten minutes peace and smug time in restaurants and public places.
J is for jumping in bastard muddy puddles. Me and that pig have serious beef. Fact.
K is for Klout. I just don’t get it. Sorry. (Probably be sacked from blogging now)
L is for lying. Because you never do that*. (*This is a lie, you’re so good you don’t even know you’re doing it… amazing…)
M is for Mummy and how you never thought you’d get bored of hearing it… until you started hearing it 3-million actual times a day. And yes, 3-million is the actual number. I’ve counted. Scientifically using fingers and toes and everything.
N is for nipples and how I miss being able to look at mine without wincing.
O is for optimism and how quickly you were broken after they turned one. Ahhh the memories…
P is for pizza. You know why.
Q is Quesadilla. No reason. Just couldn’t think of anything that began with Q. It is another food that my child won’t eat though. I know this because it isn’t pizza or ice cream or cheerios.
R is for random acts of toddler rage. You should be afraid. And wear protective clothing whenever possible.
S is for story time. How lovely it was to begin with… and now, after a year of Cinderella every bastard night, you’re one Happily Ever After away from using Iggle Piggle’s boat to saw through your arms and a Calpol syringe to remove your own eyes.
T is for Toys’R’Us and knowing you’ll never set foot in there again with a hangover and a toddler high on a McLunch.
U is for underhand. Yes. Toddlers are the masters of manipulation… I think I’m being strong but within ten minutes I’m whipping up a petit filous milkshake, wearing a cat mask and singing the [email protected]*king bing bong song.
V is dedicated to the area formally known as vagina.
W is for Why… Why did I ever complain before they could move, speak and [email protected]*k up my furniture… (it’s perfectly acceptable to take a break here to sob into some wine.)
X is for [email protected]!$%NJ. An expletive too rude even for this blog.
Y is for ‘You Time’… and knowing that at best this consists of a wee by yourself whilst eating a hobnob.
Z is for Zingzillas. Those bastards.
Why would we need alcohol if we have you! You are seriously becoming my best buddy LOL.. this is just too funny!!!Reply
Pahahaha x cheers my lovely :))) x
I thought I could wee quickly (before toddler-daughter finds me missing) but that's nothing compare to how quickly I eat chocolate without her noticing!Reply
I can literally devour a toblerone in seconds… 🙂Reply
I love this!Reply
Ha! Thanks ;))) xReply
Don't talk to me about Zingzillas, they are complete bastards! I don't even get to have a wee in peace, my 3 year old follows me in to 'talk' and my 1 year old tries to climb in the toilet while I'm weeing, can't wait for BritMums so I can have a wee by myself hahaha! xxReply
lol x oh me too! Might just stay in there for a while with some wine purely for the novelty value… Pahahaha xxxReply
This is awesome. I'd never even thought of sneaking hob nobs into the toilet with me. Genius. And I don't get Klout either. XReply
lol x we can be part of the non-Klout movement together… heehee xx hobnobs at britmums? xxReply
What the hell is the point of Klout? Do share if you ever find out. Ditto re Dinnertime. Completely pointless. Another fab post lovely. xReply
who knows! lol x thanks misses xxxReply
What about Kred – you understand that right. Okay – me either. Thought it was the stuff stuck to all my clothes now. I'm off for a hob knob. XReply
oh yeah totally… umm…. lol x i like your description better! xx
I don't mind admitting I'm still in that optimistic, pre one phase, but your posts are increasingly scaring the living bejesus out of me…Reply
…and making me laugh
You should stay in the happy place for as long as possible… All down hill after that! Lol 😉Reply
Using Iggle Piggle's boat to saw through your arms pahaha! Great post. I'm gonna give you Kred and Klout about swearing and drinking now.xxReply
Lol! I would thank you if I knew what either if those bloody things actually meant to your blog! Haha 😉Reply
Oh my gosh crying with laughter! Those Zingzillas are bastards! Loved this. You have to win a Brit Award for humour, you are HYSTERICAL xReply
Heehee 😉 thank you south lovely lady! I will certainly have everything crossed for the Brits :))) xReply
This is genius! My LO is only 8months old, but thanks for preparing me for toddler time. Peppa is my bribe for difficult meal times and I already hate her muddy puddle nonsense!Reply
Ha 😉 well it's all to come for you ! Lol xxx
I frigging hate the Zing Zillas!!! Funny post lady, looking forward to meeting you in a few days and being your sworn enemy and rival in the Laugh category of the awards of course… 😉 When I see you can I give you a big hug?? 🙂 xxxReply
I am totally up for hugs 😉 in fact I am a well known hugger :))) xReply
This did make me giggle, what the hell is klout?Reply
Well precisely… Lol! XxReply
I just wish you, and blogging, had been around when I had my little ones (23 and 25 now, and marginally better company but no more manageable), I could have done with a laugh – but at least I feel a whole lot better about my gin consumption at the time.Reply
haha x you should NEVER feel bad about gin consumption 😉 #truestory :))) x
Ha ha im surprised you managed to get all thr way to Z as you worked your way down that bottle of gin 😉
Thank god for auto-correct eh :))Reply
Why won't toddlers eat quesadillas?! It just doesn't make sense!!!!
It is one of life's BIG questions isn't it… lol xReply
I love the 'you time', it's so true. Mine caught me in there hiding with 2 squares of Banana Marvellous Creations the other day. You'd have thought I'd left for the moon with the world's entire supply of 'anything nice'.Reply
LMAO x well that is the end of the world 🙂 I'm coming in with you next time sounds yummy :))) xReply