I write this weary and battle scarred from the safety of my living room…
But let we warn you fellow toddler owners, do not take the Land of the Pig lightly… take heed of my words and join me as a PPWS – Peppa Pig World Survivor… (I expect there’ll be a badge in the post with some gin and a letter of congratulations from Jesus any day now.)
Here is my advice:
En route, don’t make the toddler angry and certainly don’t mention the mother-chuffing balloon ride… you will NEVER hear the end of it… even when you’ve left… *goes to happy place*… When you arrive allow some extra time to cry and eat crisps as the toddler demolishes your perfectly packed picnic within 3 minutes flat.
And all before 10.15am.
Also. Stay strong and do not let them have a fruit shoot. It’s like liquid crack for under 3’s… and make them impossible to catch or keep clothed…
Consider your route around the rides carefully… and pick the ones with the smallest queues. Because toddlers are officially ALLERGIC to any form of queuing… There were points where I wanted to die, there were points where WallyBubba became inconsolable as forced to wait to mount a gyrating dinosaur for an entire 10 MINUTES. Quite frankly, if the lady with the height-checker had turned us away I would have f@*king cut her.
Plus. I would just like to point out that a pregnant lady on a gyrating dinosaur is neither necessary nor dignified… (Yet surprisiingly enjoyable.)
Additionally – there is a point on the Windy Castle ride where u realise that it’s really shitting high. And spinny. And that up-chucking your latte onto either your own toddler, or the excited faces of the ones waiting their turn below is probably going to ruin the magic for them… a bit. Avoid milk products for the duration.
There’ll be points where you need to rest, sit down for a few seconds, and generally regain energy (and the will to live), which will result in the toddler laughing in your face and running full pelt into the Muddy Puddles splash pool. Fully clothed. Wielding a half consumed cheese sandwich and a fruit shoot belonging to an unsuspecting school child… I’ve found the best way to deal with this is to place them on an inanimate object from which they can’t get down for a few moments.. and breath… and eat chips.
When Peppa arrives for one of her twice daily appearances, anything goes. It’s every parent for themselves. I face-elbowed a granny and punched a five-year-old in the throat to get to the front. Once there I held ground by growling at people as WallyBubba bit them.
The victory was small but worth it.
The shop the size of a city at the end is designed to break you now that you’re weak… I had planned to buy her a balloon, perhaps a pencil topper or a bookmark… I came out with WallyBubba dressed as a mermaid, a year’s supply of playdoh and a f@*king unicorn.
Still.
We made it.
And considering that due to pregnancy hormones I could have laughed, burst into tears, or bottled someone at any moment, I think I did pretty well.
#PPWS
#BingBongSong
#gin
Tee hee, most entertaining review of PPW I have ever read! We were on the cusp of organising to go for my 4yo's birthday in a couple of weeks but have decided against it now… seems we made the right decision 🙂
Replyha 😉 well I can;t deny the toddler is all but ready to leave home and move there! lol x but in my pregnant hormonal state I didn't enjoy it quite so much lol xxx
ReplyCrap I'm going this week – scared now!
ReplyThey sell chips for that! Lol 😉
ReplyYou're braver than me I'm avoiding this place like the sodding plague *shudder*
ReplyI just know that's it now… Every morning she will ask for that sodding balloon ride… *wails into decaf coffee* lol xx
ReplySo glad I found this blog. Bloody brilliant 🙂
ReplyHa 😉 thanks :))) xx
ReplyExcellent review, we went 1St day of season in Feb -15 degrees
ReplyWell at least u wouldn't have had to queue as much! Lol x
ReplyCrying with laughter, you got on a gyrating dynosaur-respect x
ReplyI know right 😉 whilst pregnant. I'm seriously waiting on that medal :))
Replyhahaha! Well done you! Places like that scare me! lol
ReplyI think you are right to be! LMAO xx
ReplyBrilliant! Look on it as training for Legoland, then Chessington and by the time it's Thorpe Park they are old enough to go without you!
ReplyHaha 😉 I like your thinking…
ReplyLol!!! Amazing. Face-elbowing a granny is fair game I'd say….
xx
ReplyOh yeah. Totally fair. Necessary in fact 😉 xx ha!
ReplySoo I'm never going here. I'd never get him out of the shop or off Peppa!! Was the dance video from here? She's definitely got some good moves!
ReplyHa x yes it was 😉 clearly Peppa brings put her moves! Lol xx
ReplyYay, you survived! Are you still twitching?! x
ReplyYes – and I'm nearly at full Jaffa Cakes consumption! shit! lol xxx
Replyha ha well done lovely! We have been and also survived – just. I just can't even imagine how it is on a busy day as 10 minute queues were obviously unacceptable here too. The boy is not arsed about peppa though so we found the non branded rides much better x
ReplyI think if I had brought the husband with me I could have managed a few more in the main park but I was dead. Peppa killed me. Fact. 🙂 xx
Replyhaha! We had a great time and I resisted temptation to spend any money in the HUGE shop! But, you have pregnancy hormones which would make even Disney world stressful and a little bit sh*t! x
Replypahaha 😉 yes, even Disney would be cack whilst growing a human :)) lol xx
ReplyMummy Tries don't say that. We spent Aaron's 4th birthday there a couple of weeks ago and loved it xxx
ReplyWell the toddler certainly loved it! I think she might actually love it more than me now tbf… lol x
ReplyWe've been. My daughter was piling up endless characters that she 'needed' in the shop – you're right, it's designed to break you!
ReplyYes – it's amazing now much they 'need' isn't it… *sighs* lol x
ReplyHa ha welcome to the survivors club and if you do find out where to get a badge let me know. Still chuckling at the 'cut her' gag very funny 🙂
Replyheehee 😉 yeah… still waiting on the badge… *drums fingers on table* lol :))
Replyha ha – this is just the road from me – bing bong song sucks! We stick the other side of the park lol
ReplyYes 😉 it can bing bong off as far as I'm concerned! Lol xx
ReplyOmg. I'm never going. Sounds horrific! Lol.
ReplyLol! Xx
ReplyHi, seems you never did your research 🙂 we have 5 year old quadruplets (3 girls 1 boy) and they go mental in theme parks, but your right…WATER ONLY no fruit juices, bananas help, and grilled chicken pieces and cold baked potato and rice (they will eat it) NO CHOCOLATE and your set to go, the trick is when they get hungry they WILL eat the grilled chicken…etc. Any ways funny blog. p.s. we have been Paultons twice and stick to the regime…always work 🙂
ReplyWow – quadruplets… That's amazing! Do they give you medals and free gin for that… Lol xx
ReplyMy daughter would lose her mind if she knew that place existed. Too bad for her, we're too far away. Disneyland, however, ugh…this post will help me mentally prepare for the inevitable. Thanks. Haha!
ReplyWoah Disney… I can only imagine… *shudders* lol xxx
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