I write this weary and battle scarred from the safety of my living room…
But let we warn you fellow toddler owners, do not take the Land of the Pig lightly… take heed of my words and join me as a PPWS – Peppa Pig World Survivor… (I expect there’ll be a badge in the post with some gin and a letter of congratulations from Jesus any day now.)
Here is my advice:
En route, don’t make the toddler angry and certainly don’t mention the mother-chuffing balloon ride… you will NEVER hear the end of it… even when you’ve left… *goes to happy place*… When you arrive allow some extra time to cry and eat crisps as the toddler demolishes your perfectly packed picnic within 3 minutes flat.
And all before 10.15am.
Also. Stay strong and do not let them have a fruit shoot. It’s like liquid crack for under 3’s… and make them impossible to catch or keep clothed…
Consider your route around the rides carefully… and pick the ones with the smallest queues. Because toddlers are officially ALLERGIC to any form of queuing… There were points where I wanted to die, there were points where WallyBubba became inconsolable as forced to wait to mount a gyrating dinosaur for an entire 10 MINUTES. Quite frankly, if the lady with the height-checker had turned us away I would have [email protected]*king cut her.
Plus. I would just like to point out that a pregnant lady on a gyrating dinosaur is neither necessary nor dignified… (Yet surprisiingly enjoyable.)
Additionally – there is a point on the Windy Castle ride where u realise that it’s really shitting high. And spinny. And that up-chucking your latte onto either your own toddler, or the excited faces of the ones waiting their turn below is probably going to ruin the magic for them… a bit. Avoid milk products for the duration.
There’ll be points where you need to rest, sit down for a few seconds, and generally regain energy (and the will to live), which will result in the toddler laughing in your face and running full pelt into the Muddy Puddles splash pool. Fully clothed. Wielding a half consumed cheese sandwich and a fruit shoot belonging to an unsuspecting school child… I’ve found the best way to deal with this is to place them on an inanimate object from which they can’t get down for a few moments.. and breath… and eat chips.
When Peppa arrives for one of her twice daily appearances, anything goes. It’s every parent for themselves. I face-elbowed a granny and punched a five-year-old in the throat to get to the front. Once there I held ground by growling at people as WallyBubba bit them.
The victory was small but worth it.
The shop the size of a city at the end is designed to break you now that you’re weak… I had planned to buy her a balloon, perhaps a pencil topper or a bookmark… I came out with WallyBubba dressed as a mermaid, a year’s supply of playdoh and a [email protected]*king unicorn.
We made it.
And considering that due to pregnancy hormones I could have laughed, burst into tears, or bottled someone at any moment, I think I did pretty well.
Tee hee, most entertaining review of PPW I have ever read! We were on the cusp of organising to go for my 4yo's birthday in a couple of weeks but have decided against it now… seems we made the right decision 🙂Reply
ha 😉 well I can;t deny the toddler is all but ready to leave home and move there! lol x but in my pregnant hormonal state I didn't enjoy it quite so much lol xxxReply
Crap I'm going this week – scared now!Reply
They sell chips for that! Lol 😉Reply
You're braver than me I'm avoiding this place like the sodding plague *shudder*Reply
I just know that's it now… Every morning she will ask for that sodding balloon ride… *wails into decaf coffee* lol xxReply
So glad I found this blog. Bloody brilliant 🙂Reply
Ha 😉 thanks :))) xxReply
Excellent review, we went 1St day of season in Feb -15 degreesReply
Well at least u wouldn't have had to queue as much! Lol xReply
Crying with laughter, you got on a gyrating dynosaur-respect xReply
I know right 😉 whilst pregnant. I'm seriously waiting on that medal :))Reply
hahaha! Well done you! Places like that scare me! lolReply
I think you are right to be! LMAO xxReply
Brilliant! Look on it as training for Legoland, then Chessington and by the time it's Thorpe Park they are old enough to go without you!Reply
Haha 😉 I like your thinking…Reply
Lol!!! Amazing. Face-elbowing a granny is fair game I'd say….
Oh yeah. Totally fair. Necessary in fact 😉 xx ha!Reply
Soo I'm never going here. I'd never get him out of the shop or off Peppa!! Was the dance video from here? She's definitely got some good moves!Reply
Ha x yes it was 😉 clearly Peppa brings put her moves! Lol xxReply
Yay, you survived! Are you still twitching?! xReply
Yes – and I'm nearly at full Jaffa Cakes consumption! shit! lol xxxReply
ha ha well done lovely! We have been and also survived – just. I just can't even imagine how it is on a busy day as 10 minute queues were obviously unacceptable here too. The boy is not arsed about peppa though so we found the non branded rides much better xReply
I think if I had brought the husband with me I could have managed a few more in the main park but I was dead. Peppa killed me. Fact. 🙂 xxReply
haha! We had a great time and I resisted temptation to spend any money in the HUGE shop! But, you have pregnancy hormones which would make even Disney world stressful and a little bit sh*t! xReply
pahaha 😉 yes, even Disney would be cack whilst growing a human :)) lol xxReply
Mummy Tries don't say that. We spent Aaron's 4th birthday there a couple of weeks ago and loved it xxxReply
Well the toddler certainly loved it! I think she might actually love it more than me now tbf… lol xReply
We've been. My daughter was piling up endless characters that she 'needed' in the shop – you're right, it's designed to break you!Reply
Yes – it's amazing now much they 'need' isn't it… *sighs* lol xReply
Ha ha welcome to the survivors club and if you do find out where to get a badge let me know. Still chuckling at the 'cut her' gag very funny 🙂Reply
heehee 😉 yeah… still waiting on the badge… *drums fingers on table* lol :))Reply
ha ha – this is just the road from me – bing bong song sucks! We stick the other side of the park lolReply
Yes 😉 it can bing bong off as far as I'm concerned! Lol xxReply
Omg. I'm never going. Sounds horrific! Lol.Reply
Hi, seems you never did your research 🙂 we have 5 year old quadruplets (3 girls 1 boy) and they go mental in theme parks, but your right…WATER ONLY no fruit juices, bananas help, and grilled chicken pieces and cold baked potato and rice (they will eat it) NO CHOCOLATE and your set to go, the trick is when they get hungry they WILL eat the grilled chicken…etc. Any ways funny blog. p.s. we have been Paultons twice and stick to the regime…always work 🙂Reply
Wow – quadruplets… That's amazing! Do they give you medals and free gin for that… Lol xxReply
My daughter would lose her mind if she knew that place existed. Too bad for her, we're too far away. Disneyland, however, ugh…this post will help me mentally prepare for the inevitable. Thanks. Haha!Reply
Woah Disney… I can only imagine… *shudders* lol xxxReply