Baby-Group Politics

Somehow, the WallyBoy is approaching five months old.

And that time has come again when it’s not enough for me to simply sit at home with him, breastfeeding him into a coma, waving a Sophie the Giraffe in front of his face intermittently while I cry and contemplate when I last changed my pants…

No. He’s bored.

And we’ve begun once again to do the Mummy & Baby groups.

Baby groups are a mixed bag… you always imagine a room full of open-armed mummies holding babies, smiling and chatting and welcoming new faces with hugs and songs and kindness and magical sleep goblins…

But actually… most of the time you hole up at the back, trying not to blink too often in case you fall asleep, thanking the lord you have your iPhone so you can pretend to be checking e-mails whilst secretly looking at pictures of cats on Facebook.

Yes, Baby groups for me are mostly about keeping my head down and observing mums in their natural, uninhibited mummy-packs… Let me break it down for you:

  • The Earth Mothers – Floaty, hand knitted, nappiless-baby-wearing ladies who carry around little pots to actually catch their baby’s poo in. Yes. In an age where five year olds do their own online banking, and you can 3D print bionic limbs, people are actually carrying around shit in pots… They also seem to have lots of knots about their person, smell a bit like lentils and have never quite discovered the art of matching colour to skintone…
  • The Glossies – Yes. They’re wearing actual lipgloss. And their hair has actually been brushed. Today. And despite their children being under six months old, their waists appear to be about the same size as one of your forearms. And it appears they have no, I repeat, NO sick permanently piled on their left shoulder. They’re not for you. One of them is talking about her f@*king AGA…
  • The Home-Baked Mummies – They are able to produce home-made baked goods from about their person at any point. Whilst this in itself is skillful, with a three-week old child permanently clamped to at least one of their body parts, how exactly in the name of f@*k do they have time to decoratively ice cupcakes?!? They’re feeders. If you can’t say no to cake, you can’t be friends. Trust me.
  • The Misfits – One appears to have no actual baby with her… Another appears to have far too many… and I shit you not, one newborn appears to still be attached to its umbilical cord whilst the mother carries her rotting placenta around in a Sainsbury’s plastic carrier bag… Again, probably not for you.
  • The Normals – Ponytail, eye-bags, slightly crispy black leggings, and optional small amount of poo in hair. Doesn’t pretend to know the words to the nursery rhymes, looks like a complete twat trying to do that weird finger-to-thumb thing for Incy-Wincy Spider and will be heading to the pub straight after for a large gin and tonic. Boom.

*whispers* that last one is me… see you in the pub…



  1. mummywrites May 11, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 11, 2015
  2. clare May 11, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 11, 2015
  3. Www.Mumtoamonster.Com May 11, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 11, 2015
  4. Rachel May 11, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 11, 2015
  5. oddsocksandlollipops May 11, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 11, 2015
  6. hmcx May 11, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 11, 2015
  7. sarahmo3w May 12, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 12, 2015
  8. susankmann May 13, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 13, 2015
  9. clairetiptopninjacat May 14, 2015

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