Somehow, the WallyBoy is approaching five months old.
And that time has come again when it’s not enough for me to simply sit at home with him, breastfeeding him into a coma, waving a Sophie the Giraffe in front of his face intermittently while I cry and contemplate when I last changed my pants…
No. He’s bored.
And we’ve begun once again to do the Mummy & Baby groups.
Baby groups are a mixed bag… you always imagine a room full of open-armed mummies holding babies, smiling and chatting and welcoming new faces with hugs and songs and kindness and magical sleep goblins…
But actually… most of the time you hole up at the back, trying not to blink too often in case you fall asleep, thanking the lord you have your iPhone so you can pretend to be checking e-mails whilst secretly looking at pictures of cats on Facebook.
Yes, Baby groups for me are mostly about keeping my head down and observing mums in their natural, uninhibited mummy-packs… Let me break it down for you:
- The Earth Mothers – Floaty, hand knitted, nappiless-baby-wearing ladies who carry around little pots to actually catch their baby’s poo in. Yes. In an age where five year olds do their own online banking, and you can 3D print bionic limbs, people are actually carrying around shit in pots… They also seem to have lots of knots about their person, smell a bit like lentils and have never quite discovered the art of matching colour to skintone…
- The Glossies – Yes. They’re wearing actual lipgloss. And their hair has actually been brushed. Today. And despite their children being under six months old, their waists appear to be about the same size as one of your forearms. And it appears they have no, I repeat, NO sick permanently piled on their left shoulder. They’re not for you. One of them is talking about her [email protected]*king AGA…
- The Home-Baked Mummies – They are able to produce home-made baked goods from about their person at any point. Whilst this in itself is skillful, with a three-week old child permanently clamped to at least one of their body parts, how exactly in the name of [email protected]*k do they have time to decoratively ice cupcakes?!? They’re feeders. If you can’t say no to cake, you can’t be friends. Trust me.
- The Misfits – One appears to have no actual baby with her… Another appears to have far too many… and I shit you not, one newborn appears to still be attached to its umbilical cord whilst the mother carries her rotting placenta around in a Sainsbury’s plastic carrier bag… Again, probably not for you.
- The Normals – Ponytail, eye-bags, slightly crispy black leggings, and optional small amount of poo in hair. Doesn’t pretend to know the words to the nursery rhymes, looks like a complete twat trying to do that weird finger-to-thumb thing for Incy-Wincy Spider and will be heading to the pub straight after for a large gin and tonic. Boom.
*whispers* that last one is me… see you in the pub…
Haha this is so true! I avoid play groups if possible and let my childminder take him on her days. I can’t handle the politics!Reply
Heehee x thanks sweetie! Well I’m certainly not doing as many this time! But nothing’s changed… Lol xxReply
I wasn’t a fan and it was even worse when I went back to work and my oh, who is a stay at home daddy, took mini man. Oh dear. Men not welcome!Reply
Oh god I can imagine! The token dad always gets a rough ride… Bloody good on him for going tho! XxReply
I shall join you in the normals hahaReply
Haha! You’re in 😉 lol x thanks for the comment xxxReply
Wait till they start school!! Playground Mafia!!! Loads of judgement and you can’t sneak gin in!!Reply
I can always sneak gin in. ALWAYS. Lol x but yeah… I can imagine! That post will be quite a read when I get there! Pahaha xxReply
Ah normals woohoo.Reply
Boo is 16 months old and I still can’t do the actions to incy wincy spider… maybe if I had some gin it would help?
Yes. Gin helps everything. It’s kind of a life skill… Lol xxxReply
I went to a toddler group once, I sat on the little tree stump stool and fell backwards off of it! I found it hilarious and laughed a little bit too long!Reply
The “glossies” briefly glanced at me and then carried on asthough i never happened!
Lol x hope u went to the pub afterwards! Pahaha xReply
Yep! The normal is me too. They seem to be few and far between in this world. I have no idea why, but this post is exactly why I never once in my entire life went to a baby or toddler group. Did my kids suffer for it? Did I? Nope!Reply
Lol 😉 I did loads with my first but this time I’ve literally cherry picked one or two good ones and done :))) xReply
he he he this is so true. I find these groups difficult to fit into. Maybe I should bake 😉 See you in the pub xReply
Oh don’t do that darling! Let’s just piss off for a glass of wine instead 😉 lol xxReply
you know you’ll find a forever friend don’t you .. forever wanting to get rid of the bugger 😉Reply
Lol 😉 xReply