- If any part of your meal (inclusive of accompanying refreshments) is in a container not first chosen and approved by you, you are well within your rights to lose your shit. And refuse to eat until your chicken dippers are put in the Ninky-Nonk like YOU BASTARD WELL ASKED.
- Yes. You did love bananas. YESTERDAY. But then they went and ruined that by buying a shit loads of bananas… Which is a shame because you [email protected]*king hate bananas.
- Your identical dinner looks way better than mine, let’s swap. Actually… no. I miss mine. And I hate you. In fact. [email protected]*k you. Also, I kinda fancy a banana now… got any of those?!?
- Always. ALWAYS. Decide you need a poo just as Mummy starts eating.
- Vegetable-negotiations are your time to shine… just one slice of cucumber could earn you a yoghurt, two and you’re on track for chocolate buttons, three and you’ve bagged a Peppa-Pig-World annual pass and Daddy will be ordering you a pony by the end of the week.
- Once a week or so, start crying hysterically before you’ve even got to the dinner table. Just to shit things up.
- Just hold out. They’ll break first… they’re desperate for wine and you’re quite full just sitting here feasting on their misery…
- At some point they all go a bit ‘Annabel Karmel’ on your arse, and try replacing your fish-fingers with some home made shit they thought you wouldn’t notice… They’re not even perfectly rectangular or anything?! My advice – go cold turkey on them. But. Whatever you do. Don’t ever. EVER. Actually eat cold turkey. That would be in-twatting-sane.
- Can I use your fork? Oh, now I kind of want my fork back. Except I just remembered your fork makes me sad. OK now I’m too sad to eat. Just gonna sit here and cry now. With all the forks… While you eat with just your face… And your tears… NOW GO FLAMBÉ ME A KITKAT YOU SLUT.
- If for some strange reason there appears to be peas on your plate where your chips normally go…. Deal with this maturely by running into the lounge to kick the shit out of the sofa with your face, screaming until you’re sick and eventually getting so worked up you need to have an anti-trauma shit in the cupboard under the stairs. They did this to you. YES – THEY. DID. THIS.
Its like the little bugger’s can see inside your soul & break you piece by piece!!!!!Reply
What about the eat everything at daycare & grandma’s house thing just so they can make you into a liar too
Oh yeah. I love that. That’s the best… Lol! Thanks for the comment xxxReply
Love this and totally relate. We’re enjoying the range of muttered ‘yuck’ or indignantly shouted ‘THIS IS DISGUSTING’ comments at the moment. Great way to end the day 😉Reply
Oh yeah. I love those. It’s the confidence boost my cooking always fucking needed! Lol xxReply
Brilliant. You have literally just made my eyes leak (and a small amount elsewhere, thanks to childbirth)Reply
Pahaha xxx thank you sweetieReply
Absolutely bloody hilarious and every bit of it’s true lol!!!Reply
*sniggers* thanks for the comment lovely xxxReply
This pretty much describes perfectly every meal. I spent a happy (!) few minutes earlier just swapping my plate with the boys and him eating little bits off each!Reply
Yeah I love that. And how it takes like an hour every evening… That’s the best. LolReply
What are you talking about? my toddlers always sit at the table and eat every mouthful and are perfect angels… Oh how fun I always wanted to put a high and mighty comment somewhere ;P you hit the nail right on the head. Seriously last night I let them choose their dinner and they still didn’t eat it! They were full… until I cleared the table of said dinner and then they were starving again!Reply
Oh yeah… They’re always starving. But they never eat! I love how that works… Lol *sighs*Reply
Had to look after my little niece and nephew. He was fine, little food hoover. She tested every known “momma lets me have—–” possible. Followed by THIS FOOD IS YUCKY!!!!You’d swear the hulk had become a 4 year old the ammount of rage over it.Reply
Lol! It is impressive how angry they can get over you trying to feed them so they stay alive… PahahaReply
You left out what a surprise each meal time is. “I don’t want breakfast. What do you mean I have to eat it at this time every day? I want pudding. You said I could have chocolate if I used the potty. Well I did use the potty…yesterday. Give me chocolate, mummy. Take this away. TAKE IT AWAY.”Reply
*sniggering* it’s the eternal battle… lol xx thanks for commenting 😉Reply
I’m pretty sure we have about 25 different glasses at home and I always always pick the wrong one. Same with dishes..and cutlery!Reply
Lol 😉 the one she demands is always the one in the dishwasher here… Typical! :))) xxReply
Mine refuses to use her fork yet insists I wipe her hands with a warm (must be warm, so I have to get up every time) damp washcloth in between each kernal of corn or shred if chicken. Not one speck of food can remain on her hands or its ‘sore’ She’s nearly 2, I have years more if this to come.Reply
Wow. Those are some hardcore demands! Lol xReply
We also have the “you’ve broken it” hysterics every time I deign to cut up some food. Because if it isn’t in bite sized pieces, my ferel boys will try and swallow whole without chewing and gag/choke.
I guess they’re eating though so I ought to be grateful!!Reply
Ha! I could deal with choking. If it meant she’d tried a vegetable… *dreams of a happier place and sighs*Reply
We went through a long stage of anything I made being ‘luddy’. No clue what ‘luddy’ was but it was bad. The more I had slaved over it, the ‘luddier’ it got. Then I had an moment….a vision…I got ‘luddy’, I did a ‘luddy’ smack down. No darling, no dinner tonight, it’s all gone luddy I’m afraid. Yes, that’s right, luddy. Don’t worry, I won’t make you eat mummy’s organic-sodding-£5-chicken breast.
After she screamed until she puked, land of luddy disappeared. Food was eaten. Battle won. Until sodding bath time.Reply
lol 😉 #luddyvictoryReply
Oh thank god, mine isn’t the only monster! We are currently going through a phase where she won’t eat anything unless I pretend it’s on an airplane, but not any airplane, this one has to be going down and I have to pretend the people on it are screaming “help, we’re all going to die” before she will open her mouth to save them. Sometimes she doesn’t, cos she wants them to die I suppose? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a teeny bit delighted with how absolutely batshit crazy she is though……
Great blog, I’ll be following from now on 😉Reply
Wow – that is too funny! Although I’d imagine not that funny once you’ve done it every meal for several months eh! Lol xx thanks for following lovely 😉 xxxReply