A Guide to Life at 18-Months In…

So. The boy is 18 months… *does a shot*

I remember this feeling from before… 18 months feels almost as big a milestone is the first birthday… at least at age one you’re still kinda pretending they’re a baby… but now toddler-dome is truly in full swing. I had forgotten how fast they can move, how loud they can scream, that they can beat you in an arm-wrestle (and that last time you were actually trying…)

So here’s my guide to life with an 18-month old for you all to cry at:

1. They’re pretty much sleeping through the night now. Which is amazing, liberating, wonderful… especially as it means they have even more energy to really fuck your day up…
2. When they do sleep it’s only in the buggy… which is your prime time to stick a Snickers Duo in your face without chewing or breathing and that any chocolate consumed behind the pushchair ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT COUNT. OK.
3. Shit. They’ve begun ‘noticing’ the vegetables… oh yes. They days of them haplessly shoving whatever you placed in front of them are GONE. We’re in the ‘inspect, dismiss and hurl’ stage of eating, which means you’re mainly about fish fingers now…
4. Which in turn means you’re mainly about eating cold, left-over fish fingers over the kitchen bin whilst crying now…
5. Remember when you loved your shiny new buggy and change bag…? Well that’s lovely as the pushchair’s now held together with crushed biscotti and partly chewed rice cakes… and you now don’t put your hand the entire way into the change bag… because amidst the dried out baby-wipes and regurgitated raisins, you’re not sure what that sticky grainy stuff is along the bottom… probably best just to ignore it.
6. And don’t forget they’ll be pushing their own pushchair around now rather than sitting in it. Because that’s incredibly helpful and absolutely helps you get to places quicker with less tears/fear of death from passing cars. Yep. Love that.
7. You’ve stopped having nice things… every surface in your house is a biro-scribbled, turd-streaked, snot farm… which is why you keep the lights turned down now. And avoid inviting anybody round…
8. The highchair is slowly becoming obsolete. As meals and refreshments taste far better eaten whilst naked. To the medium of dance. On the sofa. (The really expensive one you bought in a moment of madness and promised you wouldn’t let the kids eat on… yeah… IT’S GOING REALLY WELL.)
9. I hope you didn’t actually need your iPhone for anything, because those half-face toddler selfies won’t take themselves for an hour every morning now will they… Idiot. And any time they aren’t in possession of your iPhone, they’ll mainly be getting angry at the TV, oven, laptop and windows for not being touchscreen…
10. Remember when you thought it was hard to escape and go to the toilet…? Well. It just got worse. They can smell your fear… See through your pathetic distraction techniques… They KNOW you’re about to attempt a room exit… And immediately shun all toys in favour of a move we like to call the ‘Baby-Koala-Neck-Hug-of-Death’ before laughing in your face as you attempt to have a shit while they’re still clinging to you, crying and asking for crisps… Ahh the special moments…

#gin
#BabyKoalaNeckHugofDeath