Dear fellow grape-smugglers, cat whisperers and fruit-shoot enthusiasts,
It’s come to my attention that January is the time for new lifestyle choices (well, when parents lie to everyone about their gin/general alcohol consumption levels for a month or so…). So in the spirit (see what I did there *winks*) of the New Year, I have compiled my own list of resolutions, ones which I can actually stick to. Unlike the elusive #dryjanuary. Which is mostly a pile of smug bollocks for people who post pictures of their cats on Facebook.
So take note fellow small humans, from the 1st January onwards I shall mostly be:
- Using only my Bob the Builder spoon to eat everything. EV-REE-THING. Including lasagne*.
- *also applies to other meat-based meals… Including naked varieties…
- Jogging. Non-stop. To rhythm of my own awesomeness.
- Upping my Cheerios consumption.
- Demanding a Christmas Tree in my bedroom.
- Going for the all or nothing approach with hair clips. Clothing. And twerking.
- Producing all my poos behind the sofa. Or as I now like to call it the ‘pooey corner of shame’.
- Requesting ‘specific’ episodes of Peppa Pig which I expect to be up and running in a predetermined timeframe otherwise I’ll be bringing you a present from the pooey corner of shame.
- Doing the Five/Two diet – Five bananas on weekdays, but just two on weekends… subsititued with pizza and yoghurt.
- Patenting my own brand of pizza-yoghurt.
- Upping my Daddy-time. Mummy is getting a bit dull and Daddy lets me suck my own feet and eat Philadelphia* straight from the tub.
- *Chocolate Philadelphia**
- **Ok. It’s Nutella
- Changing outfits at least three times a day – When I say I’m the Naked Little Chef, I expect that shit to happen IMMEDIATELY. Before another cat gets injured with a whisk.
- Wearing my Wellies to bed.
- Eating my dinner (pizza-yoghurt) with the cats… on the floor… with my face. (and Bob the Builder spoon)
- Doing more crafts. By which I mean watching Mummy spend half an hour setting up the ‘kill room’ with plastic sheeting, an array of glues, glitters, paints and stickers… then deciding once scrubbed up that I’d rather go and have a shit in the shame corner instead.
- Banning haircuts. THIS INCLUDES FRINGE TRIMS MOTHER – you won’t fool me that way again.
- Sleeping with one eye open in case of mystery sleep-fringe-trimming. This is an actual thing and does happen. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
- Farting more in public. And finding it EVEN funnier.
- Fiddling with my fanjo at toddler group, and when you tell me to stop. I won’t. But I will stare at you. Angrily. As I do it.
#WallyBubba’sPizzaYoghurt
#AKA…Piz-Hurt
#Ormaybe…Yog-Za
#sleepfringetrimming
#gin
Hilarious !
Replyha 😉 Thank you xxx
ReplyPerfect! I love upping the Cheerios consumption. 🙂
ReplyWell – any good jogging-toddler needs their energy supply kept up eh! Thanks for the comment 😉 xx
Replymy personal favourite….. eating dinner on the floor with your face. Good work kiddo! Keep it up!
Replywell – if it's gets the job done… lol 😉 xx
ReplyLOL love it! Think I might take up some of those for myself!
ReplyAll seem realistically achievable over a 12 month period… Good Shout! 😉 pahahaha x Thanks for the comment 🙂 xxx
ReplyHahaha. Brilliant (as always) I particularly like the whisk injured cats and also have a toddler who would wear her wellies to bed if only I would stop hiding them.Lol.
ReplyWith all those toddler resolutions the gin intake will need upping.x
Happy new year.x
You know it! How can I maintain #dryjanuary with kitchen weapons and wellies everywhere! *sobs* xx lol xx thanks for stopping by :)) Happy NY to u too! xx
ReplyOooh I do love a bit of Russell Brand
ReplyHa! 😉 xxx
ReplyHa ha – the banana diet and non-stop jogging sound too familiar…. 😉 a great chuckle! X
ReplyTeehee x thanks for reading :))) x
ReplyBrilliant! x
Reply😉 Thanks! xxx
ReplyOh yes, can most definitely relate to keeping one eye open in case of fringe trim!!
Replyteehee… I just can't resist the urge to snip! Same applies to nail-clipping! lol xxx Thanks for the comment xx
ReplyHow does pizza yoghurt work? Love your list.
ReplyWell – the toddler has a skilled and technical way of binding them to create the hybrid matter… to the naked eye, it sort of looks like she just smashes them together before heading them in the general direction of her face… but apparently it's a delicate operation. 😉 lol x
ReplyI love your blog
Replyyou really made me and baby bump giggle xxx
followed
http://minimaysi.blogspot.co.uk/
Teehee x glad to hear it 😉 xx
ReplyOMG the Kill Room is hilarious. I will never again watch Dexter without thinking of you….and the million and one times I've set up a kill room and they've stepped straight outside it with at least 3 paint covered items 😀
ReplyTeehee 😉 happy to have been of comedic service my lovely! Lol xxx thanks for commenting :)))
ReplyGreat post, made me chuckle 🙂 #MMWBH
ReplyCheers – glad to have given you a giggle xxx
ReplyLoving the kill-room. Only way of doing craft with a toddler without the gin!
Replywell – you still need the gin to be fair… lol #funee xxx
Replyeverybody needs to up their cheerios consumption! 🙂
ReplyOf course! Lol xxx
Reply