1. The Soft-Play Scrubber
You’ve been to soft-play twice this week. You’re still in the same vest top and leggings. (And pants) But during the second wearing everything is just that little bit crispier… And your plan for dealing with this involves a lot of cake. (ok alcohol) Also – your baby has just thrown up an entire pouch of ‘The Green One’ on your chest. Why waste a new set of clothing on that when you can just rub it in to the existing outer crust?!
2. The Shady Mamma
Sunglasses so big they not only cover your eyes, but the majority of your face… Great for detracting from the strings of marmite/playdoh in your fringe. Also handy for micro-napping as you pass out through exhaustion at the playground. Add Uggs or flip-flops dependent on the season.
You’ve had your first shower this week. (Yeah. It’s Friday.) And you’re far more excited about your new pyjamas than you should be… So you’ll be jumping into them fresh from the shower and for a real treat you might even apply some eye-bag-cream and tweeze out a few chin hairs.
4. The Swimming Twat.
The moment you step out of the changing room is the moment you realise YES. You should have attempted to shave something… or at least trim the edges down… And NO. You can’t fit your post-episiotomy labia into the swimming costume you’ve owned for more years than the combined age of all your children.
You’re about as sporty as the day after you gave birth… yet a tracksuit and pair of slightly worse-for-wear trainers on the nursery run are not only comfortable but actually make you feel slightly less unfit. You celebrate this by immediately going home and downing a Toblerone. Yes. I meant downing.
6. The Mum-on-a-Night-Out-Vagina-Shaker.
Nothing says ‘I don’t get out much’ like leather trousers and a veiny-milk-engorged age-inappropriate cleavage… We all try to dance in the way that won’t shake sections of loose-hanging vagina free from our clothing but we make no promises once the Sambuca shots start.
7. The Mum-on-a-Night-In-Vagina-and-Cake…er?!
Vest-top and leggings. But *insert drumroll sound* a CLEAN set. If you’re feeling totally mental you might wear a decorative scarf. You animal.
8. The You-Should-Know-Better Nightie-Nipper
You’ve ‘nipped out’ wearing exactly what you went to bed in last night. And hoped no-one would see you… Which is was the ultimate rookie mistake. Because the laws of the universe clearly state that on the day you are looking your most rough, most unclean, and most have your hair looking like something a fox just coughed up, you WILL bump into at least three people you know… FACT. And NO. No amount of avoiding eye contact as you walk towards them will mean they won’t see you…
You’ve been warned.
*Scrapes excess Weetabix debris off leggings ready for soft-play tomorrow morning*