- Leave your dignity at the door. This is war.
- Wear sensible clothing. i.e. leggings and a sports-top… oh hang on… that’s what you wear every day. Ok. Wear that.
- And ‘black-up’.
- Remember. Territory is everything.
- Get organised. Upon arrival scan the area for the ideal vantage point and discuss tactics with your fellow mums via a closed Whats App group.
- Assign a group of three mums to cover the slide area and send two to the upper levels as look-outs, while you man the ball-pit exit and simultaneously ‘bagsy’ two highchairs. #skillz
- Move in packs and take out the fellow under fives first. They’re smaller, weaker and their spirits can be broken with the mere promise of cake.
- Sleep and eat* in shifts so as not to relinquish territory.
- *However, don’t open a packet of baby-snacks in plain sight of an unruly gang of under fives. You will be violently and quite possibly fatally assaulted. Rice-cake-rage is no joke.
- Also – never leave a sippy cup* unattended. I’ve seen mums lose fingers… and eyes… and teeth…
- *unless the sippy cup is full of gin and/or wine. That should slow the little bastards down. Some collateral damage is to be expected.
- The slide area is easy to claim; simply place your child at the top and remove their nappy. No-one else will be using the ‘skid-ramp’ today.
- Keep the attendant on their toes by occasionally spoon-feeding your child yoghurt or jam in the ball-pit.
- To clear the tunnel area of excess children, teach your baby to fart in confined spaces.
- Wear protective headgear at all times. No direct hits to the face.
- If necessary, use your own child as a human shield. Desperate times call for desperate measures ladies.
- If a weaker member of the team falls behind… leave them. All’s fair in love, war and soft-play.
- Only enter the ball-pit if you are confident you can make it out without exposing a nipple and/or arse cheek.
- It’s not possible to look glamorous whilst using the slide with your toddler. Bare skin will result in friction burns.
- In extreme conditions, send a toddler assault team into the ball-pit and shout ‘floater’. If this move is administered properly, you can clear the entire place in seconds.
- Always have a safe word.
- And gin. ALWAYS have gin.
#softplaywarfare
#thesafewordisgin
#gin
hahaha brilliant!
Reply😉 thank you! xx
ReplyThere was a period between 'fast crawling' through to 'I can climb down by myself' where our local soft play was shut…..honest..
ReplyHow inconvenient… *winks*… I've just heard mine may be suffering the same fate… funny that 😉 x
ReplyHaha never a truer word spoken!
Replyxx
tee hee 😉
ReplyBrilliant – softplays are the spawn of the devil, expect I need them sometimes to do work in!?!?
ReplyHaha 😉 I need a two day rest following a weekend session…
ReplyThere are NO RULES for soft play…every mother and toddler for themselves!
ReplyI should have ended on that! It's every man for themselves! lol x
ReplyLove it – how very true!
Reply😉 tee hee x thank you x
Replywell done!
ReplyThank you. I am one of the lucky ones who made it out alive and with all my teeth still in tact… lol
ReplyBrilliant!
ReplyThanks! xx
ReplyI have mostly managed to avoid soft play places up until now, and yet have ended up in 2 this week alone. I thought I'd seen all the parenting 'techniques' I was ever going to see but there were certainly some .. err, interesting things being said/done!
ReplyYes – it's like some kind of social experiment… lol x
ReplyI like the send the over 5 into the baby area technique or the kid that dribbles snot onto everything
ReplyOh yes – definite winning moves 😉 I can see I you have much to teach me… lol x
ReplyLol. Brilliant!!!
Replylol x thanks 😉 you know you'll never look at that slide the same way now… x
ReplyNO. LOL. Have nominated you for Liebster Award thingy: http://mum-in-a-hurry.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/liebster-award.html
ReplyThanks 😉 xxx will take a look x
ReplyAnd never, repeat NEVER, attempt to rescue a toddler from a tunnel whilst 8 months pregnant. Trust me…
ReplyHahahaha 😉 the moments we r reminded gravity is a twat. Lol x
ReplyBrilliant. We don't have a lot of opportunity for soft play here in Spain, so we are sooo green when we go to these places in the UK. Now I feel better prepared.
Replyhahaha! Love it!! So very true!
ReplyHahaha, love it. "Bare skin will result in friction burns"…Hell yeah! I once made the mistake of riding a "tunnel slide" in a sleeveless top and took the skin clean off my elbow, people were asking me for weeks what i'd done to my arm. "SOFTplay" my arse- those places are brutal!
Replyha! There is literally nothing soft about soft-play. In fact it should be called slightly-padded-death-trap. that's more accurate…. lol x
ReplyOur local soft play areas are filthy dirty – I mean the balls were nealy black – needless to say we haven't been back !
ReplyThat sounds disgusting :/ bleurgh. Safer off out of there! xx
ReplyBrilliant. But what about the golden rule? Don't go! It's full of germs!
Replyhaha 😉 yes – there is that! The one near me is pretty ok… but I've heard rumours of some only a few mins drive away that are bacteria breeding grounds. yuk. xx thanks for the comment xxx
ReplyGreat post! Love it! I will make sure to read this again before our next soft-play excursion. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
ReplyYes do! Lol 😉 damage limitation… Xx
Replyyou make it sound almost fun……but the stinky feet, the vomit … and that's just me
Replypahaha 😉 well – you can look at it a whole new way now… from your stinky-vomit-feet look-out tower 😉 xx
ReplyThe farting and the skid-ramp really made me laugh! I have never actually had the guts to go in and go on the soft play. I usually sit and eat cake, drink coffee and blog while the kid finds new friends! xx
ReplyAs soon as mine is older I will certainly be leaving her to it! lol xxx
ReplyWait til Wallybubba is a bit older, then you'll go and relax. And she'll just play and you can have tea and cake. It's heaven!
Reply