- Leave your dignity at the door. This is war.
- Wear sensible clothing. i.e. leggings and a sports-top… oh hang on… that’s what you wear every day. Ok. Wear that.
- And ‘black-up’.
- Remember. Territory is everything.
- Get organised. Upon arrival scan the area for the ideal vantage point and discuss tactics with your fellow mums via a closed Whats App group.
- Assign a group of three mums to cover the slide area and send two to the upper levels as look-outs, while you man the ball-pit exit and simultaneously ‘bagsy’ two highchairs. #skillz
- Move in packs and take out the fellow under fives first. They’re smaller, weaker and their spirits can be broken with the mere promise of cake.
- Sleep and eat* in shifts so as not to relinquish territory.
- *However, don’t open a packet of baby-snacks in plain sight of an unruly gang of under fives. You will be violently and quite possibly fatally assaulted. Rice-cake-rage is no joke.
- Also – never leave a sippy cup* unattended. I’ve seen mums lose fingers… and eyes… and teeth…
- *unless the sippy cup is full of gin and/or wine. That should slow the little bastards down. Some collateral damage is to be expected.
- The slide area is easy to claim; simply place your child at the top and remove their nappy. No-one else will be using the ‘skid-ramp’ today.
- Keep the attendant on their toes by occasionally spoon-feeding your child yoghurt or jam in the ball-pit.
- To clear the tunnel area of excess children, teach your baby to fart in confined spaces.
- Wear protective headgear at all times. No direct hits to the face.
- If necessary, use your own child as a human shield. Desperate times call for desperate measures ladies.
- If a weaker member of the team falls behind… leave them. All’s fair in love, war and soft-play.
- Only enter the ball-pit if you are confident you can make it out without exposing a nipple and/or arse cheek.
- It’s not possible to look glamorous whilst using the slide with your toddler. Bare skin will result in friction burns.
- In extreme conditions, send a toddler assault team into the ball-pit and shout ‘floater’. If this move is administered properly, you can clear the entire place in seconds.
- Always have a safe word.
- And gin. ALWAYS have gin.
😉 thank you! xxReply
There was a period between 'fast crawling' through to 'I can climb down by myself' where our local soft play was shut…..honest..Reply
How inconvenient… *winks*… I've just heard mine may be suffering the same fate… funny that 😉 xReply
Haha never a truer word spoken!Reply
tee hee 😉Reply
Brilliant – softplays are the spawn of the devil, expect I need them sometimes to do work in!?!?Reply
Haha 😉 I need a two day rest following a weekend session…Reply
There are NO RULES for soft play…every mother and toddler for themselves!Reply
I should have ended on that! It's every man for themselves! lol xReply
Love it – how very true!Reply
😉 tee hee x thank you xReply
Thank you. I am one of the lucky ones who made it out alive and with all my teeth still in tact… lolReply
I have mostly managed to avoid soft play places up until now, and yet have ended up in 2 this week alone. I thought I'd seen all the parenting 'techniques' I was ever going to see but there were certainly some .. err, interesting things being said/done!Reply
Yes – it's like some kind of social experiment… lol xReply
I like the send the over 5 into the baby area technique or the kid that dribbles snot onto everythingReply
Oh yes – definite winning moves 😉 I can see I you have much to teach me… lol xReply
lol x thanks 😉 you know you'll never look at that slide the same way now… xReply
NO. LOL. Have nominated you for Liebster Award thingy: http://mum-in-a-hurry.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/liebster-award.htmlReply
Thanks 😉 xxx will take a look xReply
And never, repeat NEVER, attempt to rescue a toddler from a tunnel whilst 8 months pregnant. Trust me…Reply
Hahahaha 😉 the moments we r reminded gravity is a twat. Lol xReply
Brilliant. We don't have a lot of opportunity for soft play here in Spain, so we are sooo green when we go to these places in the UK. Now I feel better prepared.Reply
hahaha! Love it!! So very true!Reply
Hahaha, love it. "Bare skin will result in friction burns"…Hell yeah! I once made the mistake of riding a "tunnel slide" in a sleeveless top and took the skin clean off my elbow, people were asking me for weeks what i'd done to my arm. "SOFTplay" my arse- those places are brutal!Reply
ha! There is literally nothing soft about soft-play. In fact it should be called slightly-padded-death-trap. that's more accurate…. lol xReply
Our local soft play areas are filthy dirty – I mean the balls were nealy black – needless to say we haven't been back !Reply
That sounds disgusting :/ bleurgh. Safer off out of there! xxReply
Brilliant. But what about the golden rule? Don't go! It's full of germs!Reply
haha 😉 yes – there is that! The one near me is pretty ok… but I've heard rumours of some only a few mins drive away that are bacteria breeding grounds. yuk. xx thanks for the comment xxxReply
Great post! Love it! I will make sure to read this again before our next soft-play excursion. Thanks for sharing! 🙂Reply
Yes do! Lol 😉 damage limitation… XxReply
you make it sound almost fun……but the stinky feet, the vomit … and that's just meReply
pahaha 😉 well – you can look at it a whole new way now… from your stinky-vomit-feet look-out tower 😉 xxReply
The farting and the skid-ramp really made me laugh! I have never actually had the guts to go in and go on the soft play. I usually sit and eat cake, drink coffee and blog while the kid finds new friends! xxReply
As soon as mine is older I will certainly be leaving her to it! lol xxxReply
Wait til Wallybubba is a bit older, then you'll go and relax. And she'll just play and you can have tea and cake. It's heaven!Reply