Finally my closest friends have begun to produce babies.
There are still some selfish ones ‘holding out’ but I’ll break them… eventually…
It might sound self-centred (And it is. Not that that’s ever bothered me before…) but I’m so happy to no longer be the only one being sucked dry by a tiny person.
Mummy friends are totally awesome, but somehow nothing compares to finally having one of your really good friends KNOW YOUR PAIN. An ally. A new recruit. One who’ll never judge your gin consumption, laughs in all the right places and shares in the not-so-subtle eye-rolling when child-less friends say they’ve had a shit week. A week doesn’t even begin to be shit until you’ve spent several hours releasing a human-being from your vagina. Trust me.
Instead of the polite passing round of the tot over tea and a superficial conversation about how lovely and ‘fine’ everything is, there is the graphic re-hash of the birth stories and tales of nipple cracking over shots of gin-laced squash and hobnobs.
The act is dropped. Look what we’ve both done to ourselves. What the [email protected]*k. Seriously WHAT THE [email protected]*K. But you know, that she knows, that we know, we’re like frigging super humans, just with mis-firing bladders, slightly crusty clothing and lonely hair straighteners.
You loved her enough just for holding your hair back after all those nights you attempted to get more red wine in your bloodstream than actual blood (hoping the colour match would trick your system, etc etc…) now that love has moved to utter respect. You’ve both done it… Made it… Got it… Knowing you’d both drop to your knees in adoration of any woman who’d managed a three day labour on gas and air alone… build her a shrine and co-sacrifice a goat in her honour.
She’s the first of your closest buddies who can remain talking as your child punches you in the face, head butts a door and has a full-body tantrum over a mis-placed piece of toast. And you know the exact amount of time to leave before telling her she’s got a milky-snot trail across her shoulder and faeces in her fringe.
There’s no awkwardness sharing eye-contact whilst breastfeeding. No red-faced husbands making excuses to hide in the bathroom for half an hour at the mere hint of an areola.
You both know the offer of a cuppa means ‘I might get round to making a pot in the next hour… so how about we cut the crap and you gin-up those hobnobs’.
There’s the mutual understanding; she tells you how incredibly well-behaved your toddler is, as they rip a section of curtain down to fashion into a war-bandana, and repeatedly attempt to eat her baby. You pretend not to be jealous of her stationary, gurgling little bundle who simply smiles, shits and sleeps… and don’t bother patronising her with ‘you wait until…’ and ‘they grow so fast… blah, blah, blah’ comments…
And together, there is no buggy you can’t identify… no matter how far away. #Proud.
You both find this sign hilarious.
And there is gin.
My stirfry is just ready but it has to wait while I commend u on this hilarious (and oh so 'how it is') post. God this made me smile. Thank you xReply
What a lovely comment thank you! I am so touched you have scorched your stir-fry for me ;))) x glad you enjoyed it xReply
Oh golly I know this feeling well! I'm trying not to pressure friends to have babies NOW, but it's difficult being the only one with a baby! xxReply
it's so true – I just want them all to suffer like I have! Just so we can bitch about it really! LMAO xReply
Great post. I sometimes feel like an alien when I talk to my non-mum old friends. Not the same person I used to be…..or maybe I am the same, just with crappier dress sense. Either way, there are several people who I'd love to 'share the pain'. Especially my (male) gay friends. Not going to happen, though! Boo.Reply
haha 😉 the better the friend, the more you want them to know that pain… I think that's how it works… yeah? lol x glad you could relate! xxxReply
Hahaha love it!Reply
My BFF is expecting & I can't wait
yay! Someone to share your pain! lol xxxReply
The first of my 'before' friends has FINALLY had a baby and it is totally as you tell it. Isn't it good to be honest. xReply
it totally is! 😉 congrats on your first pain-sharer :))) lol xReply
I love that sign…. 😀Reply
That sign is totally awesome isn't it 😉Reply
I've been sniggering to myself the whole way through reading this. Hilarious!!!Reply
lol – happy to been of sniggering service 😉 xxReply
I love this especially: "She's the first of your closest buddies who can remain talking as your child punches you in the face…". So true.Reply
hahaha x it is isn't it 😉 thanks for reading and commenting xxReply
Thank you! xReply
HAHA! Great post =]Reply
Thanks 😉 So glad you liked it xxReply
Congratulations on your first baby conquest! I am in admiration of any friend that went first. I waited until well and truly last, which is just as well, given that I am prone to saying "just you wait…"Reply
Must go now, as the ad down there for Zalando leggings is making me hanker after another pair to add to my 6 drawers full of stretchy lower body garments…
Thank you! Try to contain yourself woman! No more leggings! One day we'll have to enter normal society again and they don't allow leggings in. #shit x I'm probably not gonna bother anyway… I like the gin here too much 😉 xReply
Brilliant. You make me laugh once again. ! I felt exactly this way when my best friend had her baby. Now, however, I want her to have another so she can feel my "mum of two kids" pain! lolReply
oh god yeah! It's a never ending cycle! lol x glad you felt the same tho – I'm not going mad 😉 lol xxxReply
Brilliant – I'm one of my last friends to have a baby but LOVED this. Last night I emailed my uni mates with the line "I need a [email protected]"king night out. How on earth did you make a second".Reply
Ha 😉 I don't know how anyone goes on to have more than two… Medal worthy I say 😉 p.s. can I come on ur night out pls…Reply
Never a truer word spoken from one 'in the know' to another! Thanks for visiting me through the Wot So Funee linky – visiting back, will become a regular 🙂Reply
tee hee – this one is definitely getting a good response so it seems I am not the only one! Thanks for popping over xxReply
Yes!!! We ARE superheroes!! I was lucky my friends had babies same time as me but my cousins haven't yet and they're always making plans for nights out. And I'm always having to decline. One day their social life will become twitter and Saturday night telly too!Reply
We are indeed! I hate hang to say no to nights out… but soon they'll all be hermits too and mine will be growing up and outta here! 😉 lol xReply
What's a night out?Reply
Ha! I have an over active imagination… And I don't really know… Lol xReply
You just offically became my favourite blog. Love your posts.Reply
What a complement – thank you x *blushing* xxReply
Brilliant post. Can't wait for my friends to hurry up and have babies!Reply
😉 god i know that feeling! xxxReply
Brilliant post, its been 3 years for me but one of my cousins has just announced her pregnancy and there are lots of friends weddings and babys planned in the near future. My cousin has sworn never to give her child chocolate unless its dark choc, lets see how long that lasts!Reply
yeah – I think we've all said things like that… and then we had babies and realised anything goes if it keeps them quiet! lol xReply
Thanks to you I have just filled my Tena Lady good and proper whilst laughing my way through your post this morning, and thank you to my best friend for pointing me in the direction of your post (Muminahurry xxx)Reply
haha – you are welcome! (I think) x lol 😉 glad u and your best mate could relate x so sweet! xxReply
Wow, what a brilliant post! Eye-contact thing spot-on:))Reply
I know! Lol x so true 😉 xxxReply