Dear fellow toddler-kind,
I have just had what I can only describe as the best THE BEST SHITTING WEEK OF MY LIFE. EVER. YES. EVEN BETTER THAN THE TIME MUMMY LEFT ME WITH DADDY AND I DRANK OUT OF THE TOILET.
What could possibly beat that I hear you ask?
Well – it was something called a ‘holliday’. And it was in a place called ‘Turkee’. And it was awesome.
My advice to you is to make it your sole mission in life to get your parents to take you on holliday by whatever means possible. Hunger strike, nappy removal, constantly re-setting the iPad home-page to Thomas Cook… they should get the hint eventually. It takes them a little while to catch on sometimes. You know what they’re like when they’re over-tired.
If you are lucky enough to make it on holliday here is my advice for making the most of it and ensuring it’s not all about them, and you do manage to get some ‘me time’.
This bit is rubbish. But don’t worry, there are ways to make it bearable: insist on an aisle seat so you can wave, touch and lick everyone that walks past. Also attempt to escape the orange belt of doom persistently whenever you see the seat-belt light come on. The more you attempt to escape, the more food they give you. Once you’ve managed an entire packet of apple biscotti, use this energy surge to exercise your legs on the seat in front. It won’t take long before they give in and pass you the DVD player, iPhones, Calpol syringe, Pringles… you name it. It’s yours. This lot should be enough to keep them quiet for the rest of the journey.
Once you arrive at your hotel, your parents will no doubt be a bit overtired and hungry. You managed to catch a few ZZZ’s on the flight after a fairly brutal biscotti come down, but they aren’t quite as organised… Use this time to scope out the distance from room, to fun pool, to playground, to soft play, to snack bar. This will be your domain. And it will be good. Oh yes it will be good. Work the angles. Hog the swings. Make it work for you.
Insist on soft play before and after meal-times, y’know – to ‘calm you down’. Idiots. And ensure you maintain a minimum of 30 minute pool and playground sessions. Unfortunately parents can’t go for much longer than this without needing something called a ‘beer’. Not sure what that is but it seems to give them renewed energy so let it happen.
Allow them to put you in the nursery for a couple of hours a day. It’s an ideal time for them to get their heads down and prepare for the evening’s soft-play/playground/spaghetti sessions. Scream continually as they attempt to leave, so they will continue to provide melon, chocolate and crisps out of guilt. For added effect call the attendant ‘Mama’ and give her a big hug and kiss as they turn for one last glance… Once you’re sure they’re out of earshot, paint the lady’s face, slap her and make her your bitch for the week. Make her truly understand that your will NEVER get bored of her stacking those cups.
Possibly the best part of all. Something called a ‘buffay’. Whatever they get you to eat. Shout ‘NO’ in increasing volume until you are given chips and ice-cream. Trust me. They will attempt vegetables, meats, rice dishes and exotic fruits…. don’t even taste it. You can tell just by looking at it that it’s not going to be for you. Even if it’s stuff you normally eat at home just hold out for the good stuff. BEIGE. FOOD. ONLY. It will take the folks a couple of days to cotton on, but at this point the ‘beer’ they have been drinking does start to effect their effort levels. Just keep it up. They’ll get it eventually.
Additionally. Remind them that any time of an evening they want you to be quiet and still, you’re going to need the DVD player. And enough Charlie and Lola to last the night. And another ice-cream. And they can forget about you wearing the [email protected]*king hat ever again.
So you see, with a fairly small amount of ground work and training you too can enjoy a holliday. Trust me. You’ve earned it.
Hahhaa. I loved reading this. So funny. And it seems Wallybubba had a fantastic holiday! 😉 xReply
SHE did… however we are broken husks of our former selves… lol 😉 xReply
😀 Creche? Every day….sounds like a fantastic holiday all round 😉Reply
Ha 😉 *nods slowly and tops up gin levels* xxxReply
All your posts make me snort with laughter.Reply
teehee x thanks! *head expands* xxReply
That wallybubba knows how to live!Reply
life on the edge eh! lol 😉 xxxReply
Hehe aww age sounds like she had a fantastic time. We are going there in a couple of weeks. I am preparing myself for shouts of chips and ice cream!!Reply
Those r now her only words… Lol 😉 have a good time! #takegin xxxReply
she has it down to a tea!Reply
And I have it down to a gin… :/ lol xxReply
Brilliant (as always!). Looking forward to my Tenefire holiday now..not 😉Reply
Thanks! You'll be fine – just don't let your little ones read this… Lol xx
Tenefire sounds better. Hotter perhaps 😉Reply
Tenefire sounds like incontinence pads with sex appeal…Reply
Any idea where I get those?Reply
Sounds like a fab holiday for Wally but it seems like Mummy & Daddy now need a another holiday to get over this one. Loved reading this xReply
That we do! Lol xxReply
I love this. I laughed non stop!Reply
Haha 😉 thank you xxReply
Aw I LOVE this! Reminds me so much of GG's first holiday to Portugal at 20 months when all she ate was spaghetti and ice-cream, and snapped a new pair of sunglasses every single day. Why the heck we kept buying them, I have no idea! Oh, wait…Reply
haha 😉 now we are home all mine says is 'Melon' … I think she is trying to live off it… (I also think she can say chips but I'm pretending I can't hear that one…lol) xxReply
Fantastic reading an oh so true, looking forward to our holiday next month already charging the DVD player lol 🙂Reply
And never. EVER. Forget that charger! Lol 😉 xxReply