Toddlers make it really bastard-well hard to be the sort of parent you hoped to be.
I mean – mine really gets in the way of me successfully projecting the image that I’ve got my shit together and am not quietly dying inside whilst simultaneously being held together by the power of gin and blueberry muffins.
I always had dreams of home-life perfection… a tidy raisin-free home, days spent in Weetabix-free clothing, singing nursery rhymes, baking cookies, playing with dollies and pulling moonbeams out of my arse to a chorus of Disney woodland creatures… But. Alas. Life isn’t really like that.
I blame my child. SHE KEEPS MESSING UP MY PLANS TO BE PERFECT AND SHITTING RAISINS ALL OVER MY METAPHORICAL SOFA OF DREAMS.
It’s not so much a complaint as a cold. Hard. FACT.
A prime example of this is that yesterday, she had her first Happy Meal. *places hands over face to shield criticising looks and drown out tuts*… I didn’t even feel bad. Mainly because I knew she’d actually ‘eat’ her beige McLumps without complaining… I ordered a fruitbag too – you know… for ‘decoration’. And watched as she stuck four chicken nuggets in her face whilst barely chewing and upon finishing demanded ‘CAKE’ at the top of her voice whilst feeding discarded grapes to the Ninky-Nonk… Probably the most successful meal-time we’ve had in the last three months. *Sobs a bit*
It is moments like these that make me wonder if I’m doing a good enough job with her… I’m not going to be making fast food lunches a regular thing, but she looked so happy with her little packet of processed beige that I felt a sense of actual ‘relief’. Like a big fat metaphorical McPat on the back… *stands up ready to be shot in face by parenting police*
I just feel like I’m eating my own words on a daily basis…
I will home-grow and home-bake all my own food and definitely not live mostly on Jaffa Cakes – FAIL
I won’t let my child get addicted to kids’ TV whilst I learn all the words to the theme tunes and develop ‘shame-crushes’ on the presenters – FAIL
I won’t bribe my child with toys and let every room in my house become a Fisher-Price showroom – FAIL
I won’t let my child wear her Ballerina tutu every day for a month because I’m too weak to handle the tutu-refusal-toddler-violence – FAIL
I won’t sit around hungover on a Sunday while the toddler licks the sofa for sustenance and graffitis the cats with a permanent marker – FAIL
I will drink less gin – FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
I could go on… I think you probably get the picture…
So, here I am holding my hands up and saying that I have failed to be the parent I dreamt I’d be, but despite the odd McTreat I think I’m doing a fairly awesome job being the one I am.
Hehe I think toddlers just KNOW when it's not the healthiest food. Last month we took an emergency trip through the drive thru after lunch time had long passed and we hadn't fed z. He inhaled the fries in no time. And since then keeps asking if we can go to "Old McDonalds" againReply
ha 😉 why can't healthy food have the same effect…? how do they know! lol x thanks for the comment xxxReply
Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh on this grim November morning. The most successful kids party I ever attended involved McDonalds party food. As we entered the (guilt-free) Mum asked if we wanted chicken nuggets or fish fingers (with even so much as a flicker of shame). What a role model!Reply
LOL 😉 what a LEGEND! teehee xReply
I meant *WITHOUT a flicker of shame*! Obvs my inner (and outer) McDonald guilt mother seeped through there…Reply
I read it that way anyway… lol xReply
Sorry, snorted much too loudly. To be honest, you could have just written the first line and left it at that, and I would have been agreeing with you all the damn way.
My second child was weaned on chicken McNuggets. It's was the only bloody thing she'd eat – I had to 'peel' them first. Then she'd try a chip or two before throwing the rest on the floor. It was the nearest she got to eating for about six long effing weeks.
Now, we go probably at least once a week. I figure my cooking's just as likely to kill them as McDonalds so I don't worry about it too much. That and I hope that all the Happy Meal toys will become valuable collectors items and we can pay off the mortgage in a few years, or actually have a university fund. See, McDonalds is educational as well as yummy.
Off to share through Parenting On The Front Line. The audience on that account LOVE this kinda thing. Fail, fail, fail is practically our motto.Reply
lol 😉 I love it. Not just me whose kids are on a beige only mission then! lol x Collectables complete with snot and teeth marks… defo GONNA HAPPEN. FACT. #FailFailFail x thanks for the comment xxxReply
Meh, James loves the Happy Meals and I try to convince myself that buying the fish fingers is the "healthier option". It's not a weekly thing, but it times of trouble, it helps. He's also now completely addicted to bananas and every time he has one I just think of Wally Bubba. Seriously, what IS it with bananas? Do they inject some secret child heroine into them nowadays?Reply
Secret crack-laced-toddler-bananas… yes, we have those to… lol x fish finger ARE healthy. *lies to self* and so is cake. and gin. and gincake. FACT :)) xReply
They just keep making life difficult, don't they? My younger son had his first Happy Meal at 11 months, I'm ashamed to say. Funnily enough he's the only one of my lot who isn't a ridiculously fussy eater.Reply
Well there you have it – PROOF that feeding them McBeige makes them better people. FACT. lol xxx thanks for the comment :)))) xReply
H has only been once, but it's not a deliberate avoidance policy. Just that we prefer to eat other places – doesn't stop him asking to go again and again though. Life's too short to stress over it all.Reply
Too true 😉 xx thanks for popping over and reading :))) xReply
McDonald's is a drug. That is all. It was my major pregnancy craving, I once nearly physically attacked a spotty no 'stars yet' server when he told me breakfast was over and there were no hash browns available, he changed his tune pretty fast…anyway…
Toddlers need a McDonald's every now and again, it's an essential food group…or somethingReply
Yeah – essential-ish enough sort of right… I think I'f be pretty terrified to refuse a pregnant lady ANYthing.. he probably has ticks now… lol xReply
Children erode your resolutions like nothing else. But hey, who needs healthy food when you can all get plenty of exercise by jumping around, casting spells with Tree Fu Tom?Reply
Totally – Tree Fu Tom is like an aerobics instructor for toddlers… right? Yeah… right 😉Reply
I love this post. Parenting is sometimes about winging and getting by…. And EVERYTHING is fine in moderation, including nuggets. No judgypants here! XxReply
Agreed 😉 x nobody likes a judgypants lol xx thanks for reading xxxReply
Loved this! Nice to know there are more 'normal' mummies out there being overruled by the kids! If Lily sees the Mcd's sign she positively leaps from her seat to take the driving wheel, to get there!Reply
Skills 😉 lol x Nothing beats a McFix eh… pahaha xReply
Dylan had his first macdonalds the other week and really wasn't interested in it! Now the cake shop however is well recognised as a bi-weekly treat place despite my insistence my child would only eat fruit as a snack for so long.Reply
Ha 😉 mine is a cake monster too x it's literally the second word out of her face every morning.., lol xxReply
My 5-year old doesn't know McDonald's name, but she has asked to go to the place that gives us burgers and toys where she can eat in the car. I don't worry about it anymore, I figure at least the quality in Europe is miles better than in The States.Reply
That's hilarious… I wish I'd thought about omitting some details when I taught my daughter the word cake… doh! lol x Thanks for the comment xxxReply
HA HA! Oh so true. I was driving to work the other day (no toddler in car) and the CD player started playing nursery rhymes. I was half way to work before 1) I realised it was even playing, and 2) I was singing along… *shame*Reply
Ha 😉 mine come on the shuffle on my iPhone at parties… #cringe lol xxReply
That made me laugh so much – especially when I read it to Hubby who didn't have a clue what a Ninky-Nonk was… Thanks so much for sharing 🙂Reply
Well – everyone needs the Ninky Nonk in their life I say… lolReply
Its clearly a childhood rite of passage! My nieces (now 13 & 14) used to shout "hot chips"! everytime they passed a McDs and when my step-daughter was little we used to refer to it as "the health food shop" so the word didn't get back to her mother (who was extremely obsessed with her diet) – Evil I know! Now I am a mother myself I feel that we visit 'Al McDonalds' way more than we should and I definitely blame the other half as he looks after them both alone one day a week and its one of his top destinations. I used to take lovingly prepared purees or feed my eldest homemade cheese sandwiches when we went there originally but my second child just wants everything his brother has so he started eating the c**p at a very young age (Fruit Shoots 'n all!) which makes me feel like a very bad parent indeed. Hey ho.Reply
That is hilarious! Part of life I say 🙂 lol xxReply
McCrappo’s is known as the Milkshake shop for my daughter.Reply
It’s all they sell
Lol 😉 mine haven’t discovered the mystical powers of milkshake yet… No doubt it won’t be long!Reply