Ok.
I don’t want to sound like a bitter, twisted, old gin-lush (although I’m mostly proud of being all these things) but let’s be honest about the myth that is ‘Mother’s Day’…
It’s supposed to be a celebration of motherhood. But what it mostly is, is an opportunity for you to be crushed by immense disappointment at the point where you’re most vulnerable… with wine.
So here’s some of the realities of Mothering Sunday for us all to cry and drink gin over:
The Dream : A lie-in.
The Reality : Everyone wants to lie on top of you because they love you soooooooo much. And the bastard shitting clocks go forward this month.
The Dream : Beautiful flowers (yes, ones that have a little card and are actually not from a reduced bucket outside a petrol station) and some posh chocs…
The Reality : A limp, slightly chewed daffodil that smells of fox piss and a twix.
The Dream : Expensive champagne.
The Reality : Wine. From Aldi. In a mug. With a straw for you to blow your own bubbles into.
The Dream : A bath.
The Reality : A quick rub under the arm-pits with a baby-wipe while the cats groom the marmite from behind your ears…
The Dream : A posh lunch.
The Reality : A Pot Noodle with the water already poured in. Eaten with a Thomas the Tank Engine fork.
The Dream : To feel beautiful and worshipped by your family.
The Reality : You receive a portrait of you with a beard and a penis from the toddler. Plus – you just found an actual piece of human shit in your fringe.
The Dream : Lavish gifts.
The Reality : A pasta necklace and a card made out of a sock. And your own tears…
The Dream : To wear an actual dress. Without leggings.
The Reality : Bras hurt. And yes. It is possible for your actual skin to fuse with your spanx.
The Dream : A day of relaxation where you don’t have to lift a finger…
The Reality : Someone’s pissed on you. And you’re so twatted gin comes out of your nose when you laugh.
The Dream : To not feel disappointed.
The Reality : The realisation that this is as good as it’s ever gonna get… but you actually f@*king love that conchigelle-based-bangle and alcohol is better out of a mug anyway.
#ginmug
#mothersday
Hahaha – those bastard reality checks. I had Aldi wine too 😉 Quite enjoyed it but I don't think I know any better. I would have drank turps to get to the end of the day xx
Replypahahaha 😉 ahhh memories… lol xxx
ReplyBut if spanx fused with your skin that would be a good thing no?
ReplyAm jealous of your bangle too 🙂
Well obvs 😉 it's blue and has glitter… What's not to like right :))) lol xxx
ReplyI can't wait for my pasta craft….just the one year, mind. Then I'd like expensive gifts please 🙂
ReplyI think I'd like to jump straight to the expensive gifts bit please… when does this happen…? lol xx
ReplyMy mother had SIX kids and got a lousy bowl of all bran in bed. Can you imagine how much gin she must've had to drink? (the answer is a lot)
ReplyWow… I would have pickled myself from the inside out… :/ lol x
ReplyHa ha! The pic of you with a beard must have been a real low point. I got one, I asked of my 4yo boy, is it me or you? Of course he said, you. Happy Mother's Day! X
ReplyHappy Bloody Mother's Day indeed ;))) *clinks* x
ReplyMy husband was away so I did not even get a lie in. 4-year old also said 'no you have to tidy my toys mummy, it is Mother's day, so you have to do it'
Replythat sucks! xx such sweeties aren't they… lol x
ReplyLove it! Very jealous Of the Aldi wine, I didn't get any!
Replyha! I don't know if that's better or worse… lol xxx
ReplyI have actually just spat wine/tea on the keyboard… and I'm only on dream one.
ReplyThe perfect antidote to my serious post. Love you!
haha 😉 I am happy to be your comic relief! lol xxx
ReplyAlcohol ALWAYS tastes better out of a mug. Especially at room temperature.
ReplyOoh yes… yum 🙂 x
ReplyMy narcissus, slightly bedraggled and a bit brown round the edges, brought to me in bed with a cup of tea at 9.30am (now that's a proper lie in!) by my 2&1/2 year old with a huge smile, a big kiss and a rendition of 'happy birthday' (my birthday is in May) was absolutely the best thing. Because 'daffodils are your favourite flowers mummy' (and they are!)
ReplyDon't get me wrong, I'm not being all lentil weaving hippy mummy here – my husband got a massive bollocking for no 'proper' present when he gets supercool stuff for father's day. But DD had really thought about it. And that's awesome.
Awwww x that it awesome 😉 xx
ReplyHave you been spying on me? How did you know?! Yes, I am disappointed every year. Will they never learn? Will I never learn?! 🙁
ReplyHeehee x it's a conspiracy didn't you know… Mass disappointment… Lol xxx
ReplyI can unfortunately relate to a few of these!! x
Replyheehee I think many can… *deep sigh* lol xx
ReplyAwwwwww, at least you're still laughing 🙂
ReplyI love my pasta necklace – I wear it most days, it's even painted nice colours – that's what you get when they get older. That and a River Island handbag – hang in there 😉
You've said the word handbag and now I'll be holding onto that forever… FOREVER…. heehee xx
ReplyThat's actually a beautiful post after all those laughs! Shit in your fringe? You win! X
Replyheehee 😉 yeah, I'm a big softie at heart… even if I do have toddler faeces in my fringe… lol xxx
ReplyThat hour was an evil twist! x x
ReplyI know right! Bastards! lol x
ReplyLaughing so much that anything shoots out of your nose is usually a good thing unless another human you like is within trajectory 🙂
ReplyI don;t really like my husband that much anymore… as all this stuff is sort of his fault and all… lol 🙂 x
ReplyThese are all excellent tips! Thanks.
ReplyI’ll do some from the top, and some from the bottom… and then be killed.
X
Well if I never hear from you again I’ll know why! Pahahaha 😉 #luckylady
Reply