It should never be taken for granted quite how much time an accomplished two-year-old can waste. If they know you are in a rush or under any kind of time pressure whatsoever, they will double their efforts (or technically ‘lack of effort’) immediately. And whilst smiling. Wankers.
So without further a do, here’s WallyBubba’s Guide to Time-wasting for Modern Toddlers:
Each morning insist on choosing your own clothing. From the dress-up drawer. Don’t ever back down. Ask yourself what Rapunzel would have done…. That’s right – a swift punch to the vagina and unrelenting demands to be dressed as an Elf. On a side note – no matter what Mummy says there is absolutely NO upper limit on how long you can *brush your teeth (*suck your toothbrush)
During breakfast, be sure to ask only for fruits not in season/unavailable in the UK. Tell that bitch to kumquat up your Weetabix else you’ll have her skin removed and made into hat.
No, you didn’t ask simply for ‘Peppa’, you were very specific that you wanted the one with the fishpond. And you’ll be pissing on the sofa until that happens.
Whilst out on a walk with Mummy/Daddy or another large human, be sure to pause and comment on the weather every minute or so. It’s very important to remind adults that’s it’s ‘rayyyyyyyyyneeeeeeeennnn’ continuously incase they forget. Or try to leave the house without you wearing your welly-boots again. *rolls eyes*
If asked to walk quickly or ‘hurry up’, stop immediately and find interest in a stone, patch of dirt or your own naval. Sit on the floor and prod at it for at least five minutes.
Push your own buggy. They like that.
Refuse to enter any shops which don’t sell toys. They like that too.
Upon entering a toy retailer, be sure to grab the toy trolley and fill it with all the things you wish Mummy would buy you. When that cold bitch refuses to buy you the complete Octonauts set, tantrum until you throw up. Then roll in it.
At dinnertime, be completely adamant that you want sausages. When the sausages arrive, go bat shit crazy and demand pizza. Once the pizza arrives, decide you hate pizza. Ask for raisins. Once Mummy starts crying, decide you want sausages after all. Eat them whilst laughing at her tears.
Also, for at least one day a week decide that you wish to eat all food without actually touching it. Takes a while but eventually they just give you a cake.
Any time you are about to leave the house, wait until the last moment… and release a turd the size of your own arm. Also known as Operation ‘Kraken’.
Hide all the shoes. That’ll [email protected]*k with them.
Never let them remove your pink blanket of power… *whispers* it’s how you get your strength…
hahaha!! Oh my! Laughing so much!!Reply
heehee x thank you lovely! xxxReply
Love it! I particularly enjoyed 'kumquat up your Weetabix else you'll have her skin removed and made into hat'! 😉Reply
She does like to be rather vivid with her threats… LOL x
Who wants healthy food when there's cake to be had! Fabulous writing.Reply
Well precisely! Thank you xxxxReply
Haha I used to be on time for everything. I can't remember the last time I was on time for anything at all post z!Reply
God me neither – and when I do arrive anywhere close to on time I look like I've just got out of bed! lol xReply
LOL – turd the size of her arm! How do they do that? Mine does ones that stand up out of the water like a submarine lookout funnel thing. When all they've eaten is ricecakes? What? Hilarious. xReply
So… you're saying your toddler shits periscopes… impressive 😉 lol xxReply
In this house, potty training the twins has meant that anything that they don't want to do is met with the reply "I need the toilet". I haven't left the house for 3 days. Help me!!! Send wine!!!!!
*immediately calls Dial-a-Wine and places emergency order* lol xx
Though many of these rang true, number nine made me chuckle because I live through that every day. My son has a white blanket of power. It now has holes. Ugh.xxReply
And there's never any point washing them… I feel thankful that 'pink' at least hides some of the stains… (and I'm pretending all the brown ones are chocolate. yeah. chocolate. ) LOL! xReply
Oh. My. Life. I'm so happy it's not just me! Number 9 especially. This happens A LOT! Ha ha 🙂
LOL! It is my life too… *sobs and reaches for gin* 😉 xxReply
Hahahahaha! This is so true, I'm officially obsessed with your blog and I'm now going to read every post you've ever written, sod making the kids tea lol my 1 year old likes eating the dogs food anyway and my 3 year old doesn't eat so I'm sorted! 🙂 xxReply
Heehee! At 3 they're surely old enough to dirt themselves out in life generally aren't they…? Say they are… Don't shatter my illusions… Lol x happy reading! And thanks for such a lovely comment xxx *smug face* xxReply