Avoid caffeine after 5pm. Do shots instead.
Earplugs. 24 hours a day. What you don’t hear didn’t happen. Fact.
Do some exercise. With all the spare f@*king time you’ve got.
Don’t eat a giant cake before bed. Save that for the morning. When it’s less socially acceptable to drink wine.
Be ready for bed at any point by never brushing your hair, and wearing clothes that could be considered ‘pyjamas’ yet are just about socially acceptable in public spaces. Pass out wherever and whenever ready.
Have the toddler’s room as far away from yours as possible. The shed or outside is fine. Children should be at one with nature.
When your husband snores, it’s perfectly acceptable to punch him in the face until he sleeps in the spare room and /or promises to never impregnate you again.
Ensure the toddler sleeps for as long as possible by taking them for daily physical activity somewhere such as the playground. Which they’ll insist you carry them to whilst simultaneously pushing their buggy and walking a wooden cat, and then refuse to go on anything other than the swings for an hour, only agreeing to leave when you have no sensation left in your arms.
Get an early night. So you can lie in bed thinking of all the shit you haven’t done this day… week… month… lifetime… then begin to fall asleep just as the toddler wakes up and decides she needs a hug/kiss/story/drink/ice-cream/soul of a virgin… (delete as appropriate)
And finally, a small glass of wine in the evening will help get you sleepy… but finishing the bottle with a few gin chasers will make your face go numb and help you cry yourself into a coma. #win
Ha! Brilliant 🙂
Reply:)))) thanks! xx
ReplyDone number 4 and number 8 today.
ReplyHa 😉 I think I went through the lot yesterday…. #killme lol xx
ReplyHa ha. No 11 could be dump them with the grandparents 😉
ReplyOh hell yes. GOD SEND! lol :)))
ReplyYou forgot, pass out whilst watching ITNG in your bed with said toddler (and by ITNG I mean Hollyoaks on E4)
ReplyLove a bit of Hollyoaks 🙂 x lol!
ReplyGenius. I actually just had cake for breakfast, so all I need now is a bottle of wine in the fridge for tonight and I'm set!
ReplyNow I want cake for breakfast! lol x
ReplyHard core toddler , bring it on
Replylol 😉 x
ReplyI always want cake for breakfast…or cookies, they're good too. Our toddler likes to wake up just as you fall to sleep so that he can toddle into our room and demand to play with one of our iphones. When we refuse screaming quickly follows until we give in. He then proceeds to play with the f@#king thing for a few hours at which time #killme becomes a very real thought! I am shuddering just thinking about it.
ReplyDear lord – I prescribe extra alcohol and door locks for you! lol xxx
ReplySleep. SLEEP! it is for losers. And by losers it is for people I want to punch in the face for being able to go to bed KNOWING that they can shut their eyes and not be woken up for toilet trips and questioning sessions whilst on the loo; robber and kidnapper checks 40 times a night; babies who think its cool to kick the musical mobile until it bursts into song at 4am and who feel the urge to practice their new word 13467893 times from dawn. Gosh… need some gin and a lie down after that outburst 😉 xx
ReplyJust reading it makes me exhausted! Daytime gin? It's almost midday so that's fine right…? :)) x
ReplyYou should write a sleep book. Those tips are spot on! I would add one thing to number 7–it's also okay to kick your snoring bastard husband.
ReplyAnd use a shoe. Also perfectly acceptable. 🙂 x
ReplyCan I just ask why they have to make playground swings so BLOODY HEAVY in this country? They're not like that in Malaga! Give us a break and let them swing themselves for goodness sake. Also, planners, however many you think is enough, please double it and add 15%. Thanks. Rant over!
ReplySo true! In turkey last year they had perpetual motion swings… Now that is my kind of swing! One push then sit down for hours… Lol x
ReplySo funny hun! Mine's a little younger, but I could do without the little screeching siren that goes off whenever I leave the room xx
ReplyOh yeah… LOVE that noise… *rolls eyes* heehee xx
ReplyTotally moving mine outdoors to sleep now you've said its ok!
ReplyAlso mine don't do swings or anything that involves sitting, they just run very far away in different directions so think yourself lucky 😉 x
Oh yeah totally fine 😉 mine only does that if we are walking near a road… They just know don't they… Bastards. :/ xx
ReplyBrilliant! Mushroom & I spend most of the day outdoors if we can as it's the only way to guarantee sleep… But he won't sit in a swing for more than 10 seconds. It's too restrictive and doesn't allow him to run away often enough 😉
ReplyHa x mind used to be like that – but now going through another clingy lazy phase… FFS. I can't keep up! Lol xx
ReplyIs it too late to cancel my order for one of these? He's not due to be delivered for another 10 weeks after all!
ReplyYou may have passed the point of no return I'm afraid… heehee 😉 xxx
Reply