Dear friends, toddlers, carpet-raisin seekers and repellers of the potty,
Mummy and Daddy have been doing up our house. Don’t really know why. Looks fine to me. I can get to my all my toys, see the television and reach the biscuit cupboard. What’s not to like?!
But there’s lots of banging and strange noises, and Mummy seems to be spending even more time telling Daddy off and less time up in my grill. So clearly this is an opportunity to be capitalised on…
Help Daddy work by performing a sequence of interpretative modern dances as he drills. Wear your ‘jazz trousers’ for this. Fashioned from discarded playdoh and cat hair.
If Mummy starts trying to get involved, a swift punch to the vagina should bring her attention back onto you. While she’s weak and in pain, take the opportunity to suggest now is a good time for ice cream.
This is the perfect opportunity for you to demonstrate your sweeping, hoovering and sawdust-eating skills. They’ll be impressed, trust me.
The more they tell you stay away from the ‘danger zone’, the closer you should get. Make it a game. They like that.
Plus – the more relentless you are at this, the more episodes of Peppa Pig you’ll get to watch. Naked. *high five*
Send the cats in for counter attacks while you snack.
Don’t forget to continually offer encouragement by asking ‘whyyy is there such a big hole there now?’, crying whenever Mummy uses the hoover and screaming every time the drill goes off.
Suggest you’ll be of greater help with your own miniature digger and high-vis jacket. Along with your jazz trousers. Of course.
Be sure to take note of all the naughty words Daddy says while using the hammer. There’ll be some good ones. Everyone at nursery will LOVE them.
The toolbox will most definitely look better with a little decoration. Glitter-up those screwdrivers, raisin up those nails and bejazzle the shit out of that drill. Boom.
If they’re painting. You’re painting. If you’re not given a paintbrush and paint within an adequate amount of time, take a protest shit on the sofa and do your own [email protected]*king painting with that.
Ah thank you for this, I'll be sure to refer my 1 year old to it in the morning. I think he might like to add some tips of his own that he picked up today:Reply
– if the loft ladder comes down you should immediately either (a) climb up the ladder behind your parents and then remain on the bottom step no matter how much they ask you to move so they can get down or (b) wait until they're lifting heavy boxes down then lay yourself in the only available floorspace.
– Look out for any interesting electrical sockets which aren't attached to the wall, these may have been left out for you to play with.
– that masking tape that the parents put along the skirting boards needs to be removed, do help out by removing it at the same rate as the parents apply it. If possible then try and eat what you've removed…
*sniggering* oh yes, some good additions there! Are they all comparing notes via twitter do you think… *sighs* lol xxxReply
Ohhhhhh oohhhh…the last post of your I rad i snorted beer through my nose…now I just peed a little (ok a bit more than a little!) This is THE FUNNIEST post I have ever read! EVER!!! my eyes are streaming with laughing tears, my cheeks sore from laughing! Even the hubby laughed…because it was so good I had to read it out! And it took me ages to get past the protest shit with out laughing hysterically!! xReply
Wow – thanks so much! I'm actually blushing xxx so glad to have given you and the hubby such a giggle! xxReply
I have just nominated you for a Liebster award here – https://www.bloglovin.com/link/post?post=2920551383&blog=12136069&group=0&frame=1&frame_type=b via 🙂 xxReply
Lol i am so glad to hear its not just me who gets punched in the vagina! Although its more likely be be headbutted 😉 xReply
Oh yes, whichever part of the anatomy gives the best impact at that point will do right…. *sobs*Reply
I need to be getting me some of those jazz trousers methinks. Doing your house up with a toddler hahahahaha – stock up on the gin spit spat xxReply
I know… Might have to turn to crack to get through this… LolReply
Hahaa little z wants the biggest and best looking brush! He then spends ages just doing nothing with it on the wall as everyone stands around waiting for "his turn" to finish. Or so my parents told me when they were painting 😉Reply
lol 😉 sounds about right! So long as they feel involved right :))) haha xxReply
Ha ha – love it! My kids will always get closer to the danger zone!Reply
Like a red rag to a bull… lol xxReply
"Be sure to take note of all the naughty words Daddy says while using the hammer. There'll be some good ones. Everyone at nursery will LOVE them."
Loved this post! xReply
Heehee x cheers my lovely! XxReply
Hilarious! I think my daughter painted the dogs while we were redoing the spare room. I probably should have just stripped her down and let her watch Octonauts.Reply
Ha. Well u have ur strategy sorted for the next re-decorate! Lol xxReply
Brilliant, this made me laugh. Bet her nursery friends can't wait to hear those naughty words!Reply
Ha 😉 I expect they already know them :))) heehee xReply
OMG that kick in the V! Thats so my son. He also thinks that I am a tree that he can climb unto =P #pocoloReply
Ha x oh yes 😉 the mummy tree… XxReply
All that stress and you've only managed to get one cupboard off the wall? I think you'd be best off leaving it to Wallybubba, tbh.Reply
Seriously, AD is desperate to have an extension done and I'm rather more desperate to go on holiday instead. Now I've read this I'm even more sure that a spell in New Zealand would be a lot more productive that an extra 4 square metres on my kitchen 😉
Oh hell yes 😉 a kiwi trip sounds way better any day! Lol xxxReply
Hahaha! Love it, I think I need some jazz trousers 🙂 xxReply
We all need jazz trousers 🙂Reply
Call in the builders I say – I cant even hang a picture straight!!Reply
I'd just sit in your jazz trousers with a bottle of gin and be done with it! Glaze over what needs to be done with some good old fashioned blurred vision! POD is sitting naked eating dinner with her pants on her head. Normal behaviour I presume 🙂Reply
I'm taking notes, we're about to move into a big old wreck of a place (touch wood) and we have to do EVERYTHING, with a toddler… 🙂 I'll let you know if I have anything to add to your list!Reply
Well if u can stop crying for long enough pop back and share your pain! Lmao xxReply
Thank goodness I don't have any DIY planned for a VERY long time!! Brilliant & very funny! Thank you for linking to PoCoLo xReply
heehee 😉 i'd keep it that way! lol xxReply