Putting a toddler to bed is the ‘hour’ (if you’re shitting lucky) that strikes fear into the hearts of parents across the land…
Last night was one of many particularly traumatic bedtime experiences in the WallyHousehold… I was nearly broken and WallyDaddy is still in recovery. Here is a breakdown of the ‘real’ #toddlerbedtime
7pm. OFFICIAL TODDLER BEDTIME. Toddler told to go to bed.
7.05. Toddler dragged upstairs under WallyDaddy’s arm taking out sections of wall with her teeth and/or toenails.
7.10. Toddler placed in bath kicking and screaming, and insisting the shampoo is ‘yuck’ and smells like a bin. Mummy loses some skin. Daddy cries.
7.13. Toddler shits in the bath.
7.15. Toddler rejects first five sets of pyjamas and instead opts for a Buzz Lightyear costume and crown. Mummy decides she doesn’t give a [email protected]*k anymore and uses this moment of temporary happiness to brush toddler’s hair and teeth.
7.20 WallyDaddy takes a Tangle Teaser to the face.
7.25. Toddler picks Cinderella as bedtime story for the 427th night in a row… Mummy reads own ‘interpretive version’… *coughs*, kisses toddler goodnight and leaves room.
7.31. (The following will occur in minute-intervals)
Toddler needs a wee.
Toddler needs a nappy.
TODDLER HATES NAPPIES.
Toddler needs Daddy to take her for a wee.
Toddler needs a hug.
Toddler needs a drink.
Toddler hates drinks.
Toddler hates Mummy’s face.
Toddler noticed Cinderella had an alternative ending… (Shit).
Toddler can’t find Baby Bunny.
Mummy points out Baby Bunny is next to toddler…
Toddler hates Baby Bunny.
Toddler needs a kiss.
Toddler’s sock has slightly twisted.
Toddler’s pillow has moved.
Toddler’s blanket isn’t straight.
Toddler needs toast.
WHERE THE [email protected]*K IS BABY BUNNY.
Toddler needs another wee.
Toddler doesn’t like her pants.
Toddler hates Buzz Lightyear.
Toddler has just remembered what Daddy did to her elbow.
Toddler needs a hug.
Toddler needs more kisses.
Toddler needs Granny.
Toddler is a general all-round twat.
Toddler has just worked out the formula for Cold Fusion and could really do with jotting it down in her Fairy Princess colouring pad.
Toddler hates her bedroom.
Toddler wants a Pony.
A few minutes past the hour of desperation/8pm-AKA-wine-time…
Mummy and Daddy decide toddler can [email protected]*king well cry it out. Naked. Pissing freely. With Baby Bunny’s head stuck up Piglet’s arse for all they care.
Approx three minutes later…
Toddler passes out.
The End. Goodnight. [email protected]*k Off.
Ha ha so similar in our house. Apart from as a toddler F was pretty good going to bed, as a 3/4 year old he has been a massive pain in the butt. Favourite bedtime delay tactic usually involve year round questions about Christmas :-/ #FML
the Christmas thing is pretty smart… lol! xx I may use that as a tactic myself… heehee 🙂
One of the funniest in a while or perhaps its because so much of it happens in our house every bloody night! Good to know we're not alone
heehee 😉 Thanks for reading :)))
I'm not sure it helps you but this has made me laugh/cry (the two come very close together these days). I have a horrible feeling we're just about to enter this stage. Oh good grief.
Good luck! You will need it. Plus gin 🙂 x
Z usually needs about 3 wees and will always try for a biscuit. Poor Daddy and his shredded tangle teezered face 🙂
Daddy can take it… his face is used to it now… lol 🙂 x
You just wait until that kid is a teenager and then things really get scary….out 13 year old refuses to sleep at all and won't eat or get dressed…. Little shit that he is !!!
So much to look forward to… *sobs into cake* lol x
Ha ha – Master ATWWAH waited until he turned three before becoming a terror at bedtime.
We go through alternate 'shower', 'bath' stages in one night. He now tells is he is scared upstairs as his toys come alive and try to hurt him. Thanks Disney Pixar. A lot.
LOL – good old pixar! x
Wow this sounds horrendous! I'm so thankful my two have no problems going to bed at 7 and 7.30. I thank myself lucky!
You are lucky… mine was prefect until a few weeks ago… potty training has killed us :/ lol x
That desperate toddler hour is only surpassed by the 3am I'm up so you are all bastard up hour. Best line ever – "toddler is general all round twat" haha. And yep. sometimes…
Oh yeah I love that… it's THE BEST 🙂 x
Baba. The pissing freely bit? Made me SNORT out loud!!! Love this and it is so so so true! xxx
*snorts back* I had you labelled as a snorter from the start you know… :))) x
Good grief, don't fancy your bedtime routine much! *rolls on floor laughing*
We thought we had our monster sorted, we were just ignoring the tantrums, but then she started going quiet for ages and throwing books around to make loud bangs that we have to investigate and when we do she is lying calmly in bed and is all “oh, hello mommy, what are you doing?”. I think she wins. I’m kinda terrified she’s an actual psychopath.
Ahahaha x they are bloody creative when it comes to freaking you out aren’t they… *sighs*