I promised myself once I’d had baby number two, I’d finally sort it out…
Start looking after myself better; eating well, exercising regularly, drinking less wine at breakfast… and other such ridiculousness… *laughs manically whilst knocking back a shot of gin to the face*
BUT. That was before I gave birth to a child unable to sleep for longer than 43 minutes a week, who spends the majority of his waking moments firmly welded to my areola, and I remembered that when a human-being headbutts their way through your cervix over a couple of days it’s a bit inconvenient and tiring and PELVIC-BONE-SHATTERINGLY-EXHAUSTING and stuff. Actually.
So in the absence of any actual time, motivation, functioning pelvic floor and sobriety… I’ve decided it’s plan time for plan B. Which mostly involves cake (for energy), gin (for sanity), gin-cake (because I [email protected]*KING SAID SO) and a swift reminder for me (and my botched, dangly-memento of a vagina) that owning two small people is HARD ENOUGH BASTARD WORK AS IT IS FRANKLY. And here’s my guide to Mum-Xercise, the realistic way. As nature intended it (WITH WINE and stuff…)
Arm Toning – Spend at least 40 minutes a day crawling round on your hands and knees searching for the toddler’s shoes. To really feel the burn, do this in shorts. This will help friction away excess elbow and knee flab.
Forearms – Allow your baby to dictate the most awkward feeding position possible in the early hours of the morning. To get a full workout, don’t forget to make a bizarre claw shape with the hand of your supporting arm and lock your neck to one side whilst quietly crying inside from the agony.
Core Strength – Between the hours of 4 and 5pm, become a ‘human jumperoo’... By day 5, you’ll barely feel it anymore… along with any actual feelings….
Legs – Bounce the baby on one leg and the toddler on the other (of course) whilst attempting to drown out the incessant drone of the YouTube ‘finger’ songs on the iPad… Brother finger, brother finger, where are [ALL THE KNIVES SO I CAN STABBY STAB MY EARS DRUMS UNTIL I CAN’T [email protected]*KING HEAR] you. Also – [email protected]*k the kinder lady.
Back Strength – Rock the baby for hours on end whilst trying to get them to sleep, and to test your back strength fully; remember to put them down just before they’re ready so you have to keep picking them up again. Once they are finally down for the night, burn extra calories by training your baby to wake up every hour or so… so you can breastfeed all the cake away…
Diet – Just eat cake. But do it frickin quickly before the toddler notices. In the utility room. Using some wind chimes to cover the munching noises. The more angrily you scoff it the less the calories count. (true).
In addition to the above, be sure to purchase the Jillian Michaels box set on Amazon just to make you ‘feel thinner’ and sign up for some kind of running event you have absolutely no intention of training or turning up for just so you have another thing to cry about.
I actually love you. Valium-chocolate combo here……Reply
Pahahaha x that’s my kinda pick-me-up… Lol xxxReply
You literally just made my day! XReply
Lol x *does a little bow* :)))Reply
Before I finished breastfeeding I promised myself a cocktail of my own creation which contained mostly vodka but also had a delightful coating of ground feminax (for the codeine you understand) around the rim, marguerita-style. As for exercise, if I had 20 minutes to myself each day I’d probably use them for more pressing things than exercise, like eating, or going to the toilet. Fitness will have to wait I’m afraid….Reply
Indeed it will 😉 lol ccReply
Totally with you on this, I am nine months into my second and the closest I have come to my fitness equipment (purchased one day after getting 4 hours sleep in a row so felt fan-bloody-tastic) is when I step over the exercise bike with a basket of clean or dirty washing. I’ll add there that this happens an obscene amount of times per week so must count for something. To be honest I didn’t even care that much until I just saw a pic of my friend who is 21 weeks pregnant – my bump is the same size as hers, and I shouldn’t have one. I say bump, I mean my kind of gelatinous mound that just wobbles around pissing me off. Anyhew… I’m off to finish the wine bottle and dig down the back of the sofa for any sweet treat I can find.Reply
Lol x yeah… My new exercise strategy is drink to forget… Which is also my life motto. #winningReply
Your posts make my day!!! If I had a spare 20 minutes sod exercise I’d spend it locked in the bathroom, have a wee in peace! with a stiff drink and a few bars of chocolate (that I would have to hide evidence of straight away otherwise I would be getting attacked by a toddler and chocolate hungry 6 year old lol) xxReply
Ditto lovely! Ditto! Lol xxxReply
I bought the Jillian Michaels DVDs.Reply
I sold them again on Ebay still in their cellophane.
I bought gin with the proceeds.
Pahaha 😉 far better use of funds! XxReply
I sat watching my new yoga video on Sunday with my feet up on the sofa and a slice of cake. Bloody exhausting 😀Reply
Sounds it 😉 lolReply