I promised myself once I’d had baby number two, I’d finally sort it out…
Start looking after myself better; eating well, exercising regularly, drinking less wine at breakfast… and other such ridiculousness… *laughs manically whilst knocking back a shot of gin to the face*
BUT. That was before I gave birth to a child unable to sleep for longer than 43 minutes a week, who spends the majority of his waking moments firmly welded to my areola, and I remembered that when a human-being headbutts their way through your cervix over a couple of days it’s a bit inconvenient and tiring and PELVIC-BONE-SHATTERINGLY-EXHAUSTING and stuff. Actually.
So in the absence of any actual time, motivation, functioning pelvic floor and sobriety… I’ve decided it’s plan time for plan B. Which mostly involves cake (for energy), gin (for sanity), gin-cake (because I F@*KING SAID SO) and a swift reminder for me (and my botched, dangly-memento of a vagina) that owning two small people is HARD ENOUGH BASTARD WORK AS IT IS FRANKLY. And here’s my guide to Mum-Xercise, the realistic way. As nature intended it (WITH WINE and stuff…)
Arm Toning – Spend at least 40 minutes a day crawling round on your hands and knees searching for the toddler’s shoes. To really feel the burn, do this in shorts. This will help friction away excess elbow and knee flab.
Forearms – Allow your baby to dictate the most awkward feeding position possible in the early hours of the morning. To get a full workout, don’t forget to make a bizarre claw shape with the hand of your supporting arm and lock your neck to one side whilst quietly crying inside from the agony.
Core Strength – Between the hours of 4 and 5pm, become a ‘human jumperoo’... By day 5, you’ll barely feel it anymore… along with any actual feelings….
Legs – Bounce the baby on one leg and the toddler on the other (of course) whilst attempting to drown out the incessant drone of the YouTube ‘finger’ songs on the iPad… Brother finger, brother finger, where are [ALL THE KNIVES SO I CAN STABBY STAB MY EARS DRUMS UNTIL I CAN’T F@*KING HEAR] you. Also – f@*k the kinder lady.
Back Strength – Rock the baby for hours on end whilst trying to get them to sleep, and to test your back strength fully; remember to put them down just before they’re ready so you have to keep picking them up again. Once they are finally down for the night, burn extra calories by training your baby to wake up every hour or so… so you can breastfeed all the cake away…
Diet – Just eat cake. But do it frickin quickly before the toddler notices. In the utility room. Using some wind chimes to cover the munching noises. The more angrily you scoff it the less the calories count. (true).
In addition to the above, be sure to purchase the Jillian Michaels box set on Amazon just to make you ‘feel thinner’ and sign up for some kind of running event you have absolutely no intention of training or turning up for just so you have another thing to cry about.