That’s right folks.
If you attempt to play Candy Crush on an iPhone in front of a toddler you will likely lose an eye and/or limb.
Yoghurt is the new crack.
I know all the words to the Little Bear music CD and that is my biggest parenting achievement. *fistpump*
If you want to stand any chance of a nice day out, you will NEVER leave the house without Heinz biscotti.
And gin.
Or let your husband near you with his penis again.
Balloons are a trick and have been sent to family restaurants to delude and confuse first time parents. DON’T DO IT. They only make them angry. And violent. INTERCEPT THAT WAITER BEFORE HE REACHES HER EYE-LINE. CODE RED> CODE RED>
Hide all the cutlery… until they’re in bed… then go crazy and have a naked spork party.
Dignity is like childbirth… a distant memory of something you might be pissed enough to attempt to re-live at some point… *begins drinking gin*
Never tell the truth when a child-less friend asks if it’s really ‘that bad’.
Breastfeeding was invented to let you eat your body weight in cake and toblerone. (Note to self: reduce cake/toblerone consumption now stopped breastfeeding… counteract with gin? Yeah… that’ll work.)
You say you’ll sell it when she outgrows it… you won’t. My spare room looks like a jumble sale for borrowers.
Pre-pregnancy clothes shrink the longer you leave them. FACT.
Anyway – why waste energy removing pyjamas when you’re only going to put them back on that night…? *whispers* And I only wash them when they go crispy.
You can always pretend she got that stain whilst eating breakfast this morning…
If it’s not leaking, it doesn’t need to be changed…
I can identify any pushchair from 50 paces… *smug face* God my life is shit.
My child might sleep through the night but my pelvic floor never will… Bastard.
I’ve stopped pretending I’m going to join a gym. The hokey cokey with a 16 month old IS a shitting workout.
My toddler could take me in a fight. And the hokey cokey.
Daddies should never be allowed to dress children without assistance. One day tights will finally tip him over the edge.
WHY DO THEY PUT BUCKLES ON TODDLERS SHOES. ISN’Y MY LIFE HARD ENOUGH!?!? And don’t even get me started on poppers, buttons and hair slides.
No matter how many beautiful, hand-made wooden toys I buy for my child, her favourite toy is still a partly-eaten toilet roll and her toothbrush.
Husbands are totally and unfairly unappreciated. Because they are f@*king useless.
Every time I make it to a baby group on time I expect some kind of welcoming congratulatory party in my honour…
When I go swimming with her, I expect a two-day spa break, a song written in my honour and phone call from either the Queen or Jesus when I get home.
I’m pretty proud of my special telling-off voice I only use when other people are watching. Sometimes I practice it in the mirror at home… while she runs feral… And goes out hunting for moths with the cats before bed…
I don’t have any patience. I have gin and the F word. And they will f@*king do me for now thanks. *clink*
WORD OF WARNING: Too many gins could result in becoming that annoying advice-giving person on Facebook. If this happens punish yourself with a stab to the eye with the aquadoodle pen.
Ginning-up the sippy-cup has become my new life motto. Might make it into a song. Probably be the next Gangnam Style. Yeah. Totally gonna happen.
HAPPY BLOG BIRTHDAY!
"You say you'll sell it when she outgrows it… you won't. My spare room looks like a jumble sale for borrowers" this made me laugh.. in fact all of it did. Great post x
http://lillyandme12.blogspot.co.uk
Replylol – thanks! I am celebrating :))) x
ReplyBrilliant! Happy blogoversary to you. Here's to another year of swearing, gin and blogging. In that order.
Replylol x thanks 😉 oh yes, no changes to the format! hahaha xxx
ReplyCompletely brilliant! Happy first birthday 🙂
ReplyThank you! :)))
ReplyHappy blog birthday. I did my back in at rattle and rhyme last week doing the hokey cokey. Well, it was either that or the 8 miles I walked afterwards to ward off thoughts of chocolate. Daddies…check. Biscotti…check. Crispy pajamas? The only way I've been able to guarantee I'll get dressed is by throwing them away 🙂
Replypahahaha 😉 hope your back is ok! Bastard hokey cokey – should come with a health warning… lol xxx
ReplyHa! You crack me up. What a year it has been – congrats!! I agree, who needs the gym when you have the hokey cokey? That and musical statues cover all muscle groups x
ReplyOh yeah – great for the core… Lol x allows for more #gin :))) x
ReplyOh god, that is my life, times three – in the spirit of full disclosure, it doesn't get easier as they get older (or become three following two moments of gin soaked madness…) you just discover a whole new collection of gin inducing moments…! Only joking, my gorgeous small people… sort of 🙂 Hilarious post as always xx
ReplyHaha 😉 I'm sure I have many more years if blog worthy material to look forward to! Lol xxx
ReplyHappy bloggiversary!! Your blog is hilarious and I really enjoy reading it!!
ReplyYay :))) thank you xxx
ReplyHappy Bloggiversary. Very funny post although I think that you may have overestimated the amount of damage that you can do with an aquadoodle pen 😉
Replyhahaha – I think it depends how determined you are… lol 😉 thanks for the comment! xx
ReplyLove it ! love it!!
Replycertainly put a smile on my face- especially the spare room stuff / cake / swimming. I salute you with the Gin, you deserve a nice one with tonight (if you can wait that long!) with ice and a slice! :o)
x
tee hee – thanks lady! And a gin salute back to you 😉 lol xxx
ReplyHappy Blog Birthday 🙂
ReplyThanks :)))) x and good luck in the bibs! Xx
ReplyJust came across your blog when looking a the shortlists on #BiBs it's hilarious!! Going to add you to my faves 😉
Replylol – well thanks! Glad it made you laugh :))) xxx
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