Since turning two, WallyBubba has been going through what can only be described as a period of ‘change’.
She has slowly been developing a rather serious, and potentially harmful (to others), coming-of-age condition known as ‘Toddler-Bastard-Hood‘ or TBH to us in the know… *shudders*
This condition is no joke.
NO laughing matter.
(Well, occasionally… when you start laughing those slightly hysterical laugh-tears whilst rocking a bit and trying to go to your happy place…)
It effects over 90% of toddlers and is known to change even the sweetest, kindest and politest of one year olds into total ‘shits’. (technical term)
It’s not all bad news; if caught early, the symptoms may be reduced using copious amounts of gin and moderate wailing/chocolate consumption. But it’s important that parents have all the information possible in order to recognise the beginnings of this horrific disease.
Please refer to the tick list below so that together we can work together to eradicate TBH and unite in a Hendricks/Toblerone haze…
Key symptoms:
- Your child spends at least one day a week refusing to eat anything other than cheese. Angrily. With a spork.
- Baths. Remember those…? Well. They don’t occur without you bleeding anymore…
- Your child asks to go to the playground. Upon arrival, your child insists this is a huge misunderstanding, and that they in fact HATE the playground. They then beat you in the face with one of the toddler swings in order to ridicule you in front of some tutting old people and some smug mummies who are wearing actual lipgloss. (This is how you know you are not one of them…)
- No matter how many times you say their name, they ignore you… until you break… Once you’re weak, then they spit on you and help themselves to a packet of fruit wriggles from the change bag while you cry…
- Any attempt to calm them following a tantrum results in someone*, somewhere losing an eye and/or their sanity. *you
- The lack of afternoon nap means you hit a 3-o-clock slump which I now refer to as the ‘twatty-toddler-hour’, where literally NOTHING can appease them. They stamp on rabbits, hurl raisins at moving vehicles, and eat entire wax crayons without chewing. Then promptly take a shit in the middle of the floor and blame you for it. Obviously.
- There will be no nappies or socks after midday. And if you think they are ever wearing a hat ever again then you clearly don’t value your skin.
- When things get really bad, we (me, the Ninky-Nonk, Lola, the scuttlebug and a pair of Daddy’s shoes….) are subjected to an angry tea party. Where each of the participants is forced to eat wooden cake and drink tea until WallyBubba BASTARD WELL DECIDES YOU’RE FINISHED. It’s fairly traumatising once you enter the third hour… *sobs a bit*
- Never, ever, EVER put Charlie and Lola on without first asking if there was a preference. You. IDIOT. Now you have to watch Peppa F*@king Pig back-to-back for a month.
- They keep asking to do crafts. But become totally inconsolable when they realise their annoying chubby little toddler hands can’t hold the paintbrushes properly… They also lie about NOT eating paint. Whilst eating paint. Wankers.
- When they stare at you… you now know it’s because they are collecting pieces of your soul for Mordor… and this scares you… a lot. You’re very thankful for all the gin now…
#TBH
#Twatty-toddler-hour
#gin
I think you have taken my child by mistake. No worries, you can keep her!
Replyha! xx Thanks for reading xxx
ReplyAs a mum to 27 & 22 year olds who "forgot" to come out of this phase at about3-4 years old it eventually goes back to semi angelichood. Both my boys are now parents themselves & quite frankly PAYBACK IS BLISS!!!
ReplyNursiedawn
LOL x I look forward to one day saying this too! xx
ReplyI admit I laughed. But I felt bad for laughing, guilt is another good trick they do!
ReplyOh yes… they get you that way too don't they! *sobs into gin* lol xx
ReplyThis is a very reassuring post. My toddler is a complete arsehole at the moment and your points ring home with me. Sadly though, I don't drink. This makes it much worse.
ReplyWow – sobriety with a toddler… we can only bow down in your honour… lol!
ReplyBrilliant – my son insisted on only eating with a spork for a while. Absolutely ridiculous, and the post is absolutely spot on x
ReplyLol xx bloody toddlers eh! *rolls eyes* thanks for reading xxx
ReplyMy Dad referred me to this post- what's he trying to say about my Boo??! Oh yeah that she is a BEAST! She was colouring in her dress this afternoon (when she should have been napping but had refused-beast!) and laughing in my face as I told her to stop- I find myself asking her 'why are you being so annoying???' Quite a lot atm!!! X
ReplyLol 😉 we both have little madams then! Heehee xx *waves to your dad* hahaha xx
Reply*nods* at the tender age of 18 months, I'm already in the know. *sigh* they don't tell you any of this in the flipping parenting books DO THEY!
ReplyIf they did we might not do it! Lol xx
ReplyAnd you think it's a phase but it seems to go on and on and on. Then they learn to talk in full sentences and condescending tones. Joy
ReplyI shall look forward to that then! lol xx
ReplyHormones and love must be so strong for us to ever pass this stage, a good dose of gin & humor of course!
ReplyI reckon I can manage both of those in abundance :)) x
ReplyYet another very funny and very true post. I hate to tell you this but my youngest is 3 and we still have a lot of this going on! x
Reply*puts fingers in ears and sings LaLaLaLaLah* lol xx
ReplyThis REALLY made me laugh out loud and brought much needed laughter to what has been a very dull afternoon. My fav were shitting on the floor (you know your literally in the shit when this happens), throwing raisins at passing cars and Dads shoes coming to the tea party.
🙂
Replyha 😉 that's what I'm here for! lol… we are just entering Twatty Toddler Hour over here… #wishmeluck :/
ReplyCheese release me let me gooooo
Replypahaha x
ReplyFantastic as ever. I reckon your blog could be used as contraception.
ReplyI reckon my blog IS used as contraception 🙂 x
ReplyWorryingly true! Funny, though 🙂
Replyheehee 😉 Thank you xx
ReplyPahahahaha. Brilliant. Perfectly describes our almost 2 and a half yr old twins. We call it 'toddler blob'
ReplyLol 😉 I like that :))) x
ReplyMine would only eat satsumas today!
ReplyNice 😉 better than cheese though! lol xxx
Replyi am long past the toodler bastard phase but now have a teenager who behaves strangely similar but is 6 foot and i cannot now kneel on him to get him in a buggy
ReplyPahaha – that sounds very inconvenient… bigger buggy? 🙂 lol x
ReplyThe terrible twos were indeed terrible. We have recently acquired what can only be described as a threenager. It's worse, oh god, it's worse..
Reply*passes gin and a straw*
ReplyI hear you loud and clear I once had lovely locks of hair I now am completely bald! Oh and have no teeth as I have growned th down! I'm not going to lie iv been drinking since christmas to numb the pain! Oh sorry must go wine is calling……
ReplyLMAO… Once the skin goes too… it's time to give up I say… 😉 *clink* xx
ReplyOh how I laughed as I read all of this. It cheered me up immensely. Especially as mine are 19 & 22 years old. Still have a large g & t at exactly 6pm though. The psychological scars are like children sadly for life. Bless.
Replyha 😉 I shall look forward to that then! lol xxx
I read this post and laughed out loud….more with relief that IM NOT GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT ANYMORE hahaha… my kids are now 12 and 9 so different 'problems' are arising LOL
ReplyLMAO – I've heard it never ends… just changes… let's drink to that! *sobs* lol x
ReplyWe are five weeks into the Terrible Twos and we medicate with a lot of TV and Magic Stars and or Kinder Choc (in lieu of grapes and gladiator-fighting?)
So glad I'm not alone!
ReplyToddler medication is key! lol x You are never alone sister… battered, bruised, weak… but NEVER alone… lol x
Replyoh yes i get this i think it happens earlier than 2 as my 1 yr old gets this and i to am a heavily self medicated gin addict it really does help you forget what a crap day you had great post popping over from twitter and whats so funnie xxx
Replyoh yes… the gin helps you forget 😉 and pretend it's all fine… *goes to zen place* :)))
ReplyHA HA – chubby little toddler hands! Crafts *shudder* – that's what nursery is for!
ReplyOh hell yes! lol xx
ReplyJust wait until they are 7 and declaring (very loudly), in the middle of Asda, that you are infact an alcoholic…as you reach for another bottle of gin!
ReplyIs it bad that I just laughed A LOT at that… lol xx #sogonnahappentome
ReplyI actually got a very sympathetic look from an old lady when my daughter did this to me…she'd obviously 'been there, done that!'
Replyha 😉 well that's far better than a 'tutter' lol x
ReplyYou wait. You just wait till Wally Bubba becomes a Tween. Then you'll have blog fodder, believe me!
Replyhahaha x I believe you! #setupforlife 🙂 x
ReplyI am *crying* (with both laughter, and the recognition of a similar situation.) Thank you 🙂 I made the mistake in no 9 with Ben & Holly. Back to Peppa bastard Pig again.
ReplyYou forgot about the refusal to wear clothes which are not pink or purple, however. Try finding purple nappies. Or maybe you've not quite hit that stage yet?
Love it. Subscribing now. Well done x
Ha – we have not hit that stage yet, but no doubt we will with all the other shit parenting has planned for me! lol x *downs morning gin*
ReplyOh yes, been there done that more times than necessary and there is hope.. and gin!
Replyheehee x thank you for the reassurance, but mostly the alcohol 🙂 x
So very glad there are more of us struggling with vile evil little shits. My daughter is almost 4 and this has been going on since 18 months. Everyone has given up asking when I'll have another one. A confident "fuck off I already have the spawn of Satan" appears to have appeased their questioning. Here's to gin and valium, may they always be available!!
Replylol! *clinks and cries* xx
ReplyOh how I love the terrible twos! Such cute little rascals. Of course, that was all a very long time ago now. *Smug face* 😉
ReplyGive it a decade and if i'm still alive I will be smug too… :/ lol x
ReplyWait till you hit the F*** Off Fours … done the wine … done the rehab … waiting for school with eagerness 😉
Reply*sniggering* I feel I will be set up wit blogging material for life! 🙂
ReplyI never wanted my lovely angel in nursery til she turned 3 now I don't want to pick the devils spawn up her name cora quite literally means queen of the dark / evil now our days are mainly evil threats with the occasional laugh and giggle (at my expense as she whips down my pants in Tesco)
Replypahahaha x this would defo be enough to turn me to drink! Thank GOD for nursery 😉 lol xx
ReplyAhh yes, gotta love a toddler. Thankfully it does pass. x
ReplyThat is reassuring to hear 😉 *wipes brow* heehee xx
ReplyI loved this so much. My son is only 17 months and i am already having some of this (and a glass of wine or two after 7pm when the dreaded bathtime routine is over!).. I am taking great comfort in all the comments saying it passes….., i just have another 16 months to go then? ha x
ReplyI love this we have twatty todler hour when the nap starts in the morning. o how i miss afternoon naps
ReplyOur 2 year old is currently going through a dramatic phase….”why, mummy/daddy, why”? to everything……(said in whiney voice whilst crying & flopping back dramatically on the sofa/bed/chair). This morning at 4.30am I got they why’s when I said no to filling his bed with books & removing what he had already smuggled in……
ReplyOh, we also have a threenager……but luckily he’s 4 in July! (You know what that means…..full time school…Whoo hoo!)
Oh god the ‘why’ phase… #killme but yay for school! Win 😉 lol x
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