Dear fellow big sisters, big brothers, scab-pickers and other completers of the mega-tantrum,
Please relax, (if this causes you to fart, don’t worry – remember you now have a baby to blame this on…) and allow me to enlighten you on how to turn the ‘sibling-situation’ to your advantage.
- Firstly. Use this opportunity to ask for a new bedroom, full iPad rights, the destruction of all vegetables and 2-ft of real blond hair. So that you can complete your transformation into Elsa for once and for all.
- Cafes present a new domain of terror for Mummy now… you don’t need to run… you just need her to know that you could if you wanted to. Or if she didn’t buy you cake.
- Any time the baby is sat on someone’s lap, you are too. BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW IT IS NOW BITCH.
- No. You can’t see the problem with watching Frozen for the twelth time in back to back sittings… But you can however see why Mummy needs Spanx. And a lot of make-up. And some serious highlights.
- Develop a new laugh for this new period of your life… One that is in fact a shout and ends in you taking a shit underneath a randomly selected piece of furniture. Because you can.
- Ask for a nappy for your favourite doll… Everyone will think you’re so cute. Until you place a human turd in it and eat it like a f@*king sandwich.
- Photobomb your new sibling wherever you can… Own that shit. If you still get ignored break into interpretive dance. Any where. Any beat. Any time. With knives.
- Need Mummy’s attention? Begin by affectionately stroking your younger sibling’s head or face, move on to a gentle kiss on the cheek, then when everyone expects it least use a packet of strawberry wriggles to spell out the words ‘YOU’RE NEXT…’ on their forehead… That’ll teach the bitch to check Facebook on her phone when she’s supposed to be taking part in your three-hour disney-dance-a-thon.
- If you want to earn brownie points with the folks, be really helpful when your younger sibling is having their nappy changed… Pass mummy a nappy, or the baby wipes, or a section of your ear severed off with a Hello Kitty knife and placed in a box with a note written in the ear-blood reading ‘why don’t you love me anymore…??’ (or something.)
- And finally. Remember. You don’t need to acknowledge adults now. You can just ignore them. This is your time to shine… or sit around fiddling with your fanjo until someone brings you a hobnob. Same thing really.
Good luck guys. See you on the other side (with your hobnobs).
I am not showing this to my boys! Great advice as always from WallybubbaReply
Oh my god, I nearly peed a little reading this…..good job I, only three months pregnant else pee would definitely have come out!!! Arthur must never see this, I saw the title and thought ooo this will be useful, then saw it was your blog and knew it would definitely be useful but more as a warning of things to come haha!!! XReply
Ha as above I laughed so hard I did pee, but I'm 7 months pregnant so that's ok right? The toddler is not to see this and get any ideas…..
Laura @ Life with Baby KicksReply
Thanks, WallyBubba! I'm passing your advice onto my niece right now, so she is fully prepared for how she has to behave when her new brother or sister arrives next month!Reply
Hahaha love this! Someone is obviously enjoying being a big sister! XxReply
SHE'S BACK! (Did the nappy/turd/sandwich thing happen?!Reply
So the "interpretive" dancing for hours is apparently a universal older sibling attention-getting tactic. This was spot on! (Except for the poop sandwich thank god)Reply