In a former life, before children, morning-wine and the death of my vagina (twice), getting ‘summer-ready’ used to be something to look forward to…
Pruning, plucking and preening myself ready for some sun was a joy… A relaxing Sunday afternoon’s work to be revelled in, enjoyed and savoured… But now as full-deforestation looms on the horizon, my thoughts turn to how (given that the spare four minutes I get a day I currently use to weep and eat twixes in the utility room), I’m going to manage the fairly monumental task of summer-readying a body that has suffered with 12 months of angry pregnancy, baby and gin-related neglect….
So here’s how I’ll be getting Summer-Ready. Mummy-Style:
- Under-arms: Shave them quickly. Over the sink. In 10 second intervals so you don’t have to look away for too long… as the toddler eats the cat food and the baby pukes through the leg holes of the jumperoo… If you make it through without severing an arm off you can take this as a #win.
- Legs: Shave as little of your legs as possible. Don’t worry about the backs or anything above the knee. [email protected]*k it. Just do the front of your ankles and be done. Remember to remove the rust from the blade and failing that get the kitchen scissors on the case for the clumps. Try not to sit down next to anyone you know whilst wearing shorts… except your husband. He’s over it. Trust me.
- Bikini line: Just trim it back to the point you can wear a skirt without looking like you’re smuggling tobacco in your vagina. Take the time to reminisce… Let’s go back about 4 years to your pre-baby self and try to remember what it was like to neaten up the old fanjo without having to physically fold bits of yourself out of the way first… *sobs*
- Eyebrows: Pluck from below not above… And by below I mean your chin and/or nipples… (And toes)
- Hair: Yes. You can do your roots while still wearing your mum-pony-tail… #phew
- Sunglasses: GO BIG. To hide the past five years of vertical sleeping and general gin-laced despair… LAUGHS MANICALLY WHILST KNOCKING BACK A WINE, ROCKING AND SUCKING OWN THUMB.
- Fake tan: Try to make the rest of you the same colour as the back of your palms, forehead and shoulders… Otherwise known as the mum-tan. Obviously you’ll have to do one body part at a time. And pray that you’ve timed it just right so the toddler and baby don’t together engage in a collaborative poonami worthy of an X-Men movie and take out the entire lounge.
- Skincare: Why cleanse when you can use your own tears to self-moisturise each evening…? Also try to avoid deepening your scowl lines by simply ignoring your husband while he uses a new cup EVERY BASTARD TIME HE MAKES A CUP OF TEA. Or something.
- Makeup: Invest in a decent bronzer and a really nice lipgloss to join the rotting rice cake shards, raisin packets and dubiously stained toddler underwear lurking at the bottom of the change bag… it’ll make you feel good about yourself. *flinches a bit*
- Swimwear: Remember bikinis… Well you shouldn’t. They’re not for you anymore. Take a moment to mourn them while picking out a support tankini in Debenhams whilst you cry into a packet of the toddler’s Pom-Bears.
Genuinely can’t stop laughing. Fanjo xxxReply
Heehee x thanks lovely! *does a little bow*Reply
neaten up the old fanjo without having to physically fold bits of yourself out of the way first… LMAO, just made my 2 1/2 year old jumpReply
Pahaha x thanks for reading! 😉 xxxReply
I’m so frickin happy that I’m not the only one who has to fold my fanjo out of the way just to shave it. Things have got so grim here that I have to blitz my forest of truth with my husband’s head shavers. Ain’t no razor that can get near it.Reply
I hate summer. Bring back winter where I can hide everything under a a giant coat.
lush post! Feckin hilarious even x
Pahahaha! I am all about uggs and leggings. I think of it as a uniform… Lol x thanks for the comment lovely :))) xxReply
Ha ha ha ha love this I have just shut myself away so as not to wake the baby with my big ol belly laugh, you have certainly cheered my sleep deprived day up. Thank you xxReply
heehee x you are welcome! Thanks for reading lovely xxxReply
LOL brilliant post! I’m sad to admit I totally related to just about every aspect of mummy hood you touched on! Haha, it’s a glamorous life! I’m going to have to subscribe to your blog!Reply
I think you might like mine- you can check it out here http://buntyliving.blogspot.co.uk
haha x thank you hunny xxx will do 😉Reply
This blog is my saviour!!! As I stare at the half bottle of gin on my side board! Love the swearing and real life chronicles of being a mother! It makes me belly laugh-you are one talented mofo!!!! Xxxx I thank you xxxxReply
Oh gosh than you lovely!!! *downs morning gin* lol xxxReply
Absolutely brilliant! I had to restrain myself from laughing out loud because the rest of the household is asleep.Reply
*sniggers* so glad it made u laugh lovely xxx thanks for the comment! 🙂Reply
Hilarious! Love the bit about smuggling tobacco in your vagina….not a look for the yummy mummy 😉Reply
Lol 😉 oh I dunno… Could catch on… 😉Reply
Gone past that stage:Reply
Brilliant! It’s a long time since all that bothered me # thank God. I’m more into ‘what do those extra wide comfy old lady sandals look like ‘ . They do nothing for my self esteem that’s for sure.
Love your blog. It does make we wonder how on earth one gets past all that trauma and out the other side! But unless you are still lugging on that lovely gin at 50, then something has gone seriously wrong. Whoops, now where did I leave that glass.?
heehee x thanks for reading lovely xxxReply
Gee thanks. I found your blog by accident, or was some mystic power of the universe leading me to you! Both I think.Reply
Really enjoyed reading, it does remind me of times passed or past times, either way I can still remember with shock and awe! Haha.
Soon enough you will be able to look on all this as fond memories! Who am I kidding. Lol.
Keep writing girl.!!!
Aww thanks hun 😉 lol xxx thank you for reading! XxReply
You are most welcome. Look forward to reading more blogs.Reply
I love this! Folding yourself over for the bikini line I call that the triple B! Yup each boob counts then the belly… Now that you’ve used both arms to move them under your armpits & both hands to lift up your mum tum how the hell are you supposed to shave? There’s nothing left to do it with!!Reply
You missed a leg shaving trick!! Those varicose veins your darling children give you prevent you from wearing anything other than Capri pants so you only need to shave an inch or 2!
Heehee x at least I save money on razors right 😉 thanks for reading lovely xxxReply
One day you will wake up and find that your legs and anywhere else have become hairless overnight, great no more shaving, except for that persistent little hair that keeps sprouting from your chin.Reply
OMG where’s that come from. Time to bring out that burkah that’s been hiding in the back of the wardrobe. Now you can look or where whatever you fancy, nobody except your mirror will know the truth!!!
Well, I have learnt a mummy lesson. NEVER read your blog sitting next to a sleeping baby. Laughing so loud, I woke her up! Aaaaagggghhhhhhh!!!!!!Reply
Eek! Sorry! Lol xxxReply
I just frightened the life out of my 9 week old laughing at this. Such an accurate and hilarious account of my life. Brings me back to the weekend when i swiftly fake tanned while the toddler was in bed and the baby was in between breastfeeds, needless to say I’m still sporting some impressive streaks! Oh well at least some of me is tanned! ! HahaReply
lol x I am often sporting the ‘one brown leg’ look… it’s very ‘in’ didn’t you know… xx thanks for the comment lovely 🙂 xReply
I became a #SummerReadyMummy last Sunday as we went for a family swim on Bank Holiday Monday. I guess that means I have to do it again today? Oh, pass the wine!Reply
pass it indeed! xxxReply
Hilarious!! I went swimming last week surrounded by ‘the beautiful people’ at Soho Farmhouse… I kept having to remind myself ‘I created a human with my body… So it’s ok!!’Reply
Be proud of those bits lady! Be proud! lol xxxReply