Just a Normal Mummy

Mummy can’t stop talking in the third person… Can’t pinpoint exactly when after having the baby this happened but it appears to be quite severe and quite possibly incurable. #Bugger

My favourite moment… the look on my daughter’s face just before she turns the water a browny-yellowy colour… When she’s old enough to know better, I’ll make her drink it afterwards.

Why do baby shops turn the thermostat up to a heat comparable only with the CENTRE OF THE EARTH?! As if dressing a four-month-old-baby in enough layers to survive the current Antarctic blizzards of the South Coast isn’t enough, entering every shop now involves a frantic rendition of baby pass the parcel… A coat, two cardigans, hat, gloves, scarf and a leopard print footmuff later, my daughter returns to a normal …

The list of things my 4-month year old daughter laughs at has significantly increased this week. Give or take a few items, the list now looks something like this: Mummy Daddy Grandad (both) Granny (but not Nana – she apparently is NOT funny) The colour green Bunny, Sophie, Dolly and the Ducks. Not Piglet – he’s an arsehole Her bottle Mummy’s right nipple – only the …

Mine is that one day I’ll upgrade from Slug & Lettuce mummy to John Lewis Cafe mummy…. I hear they have their own buggy park, a bottle-making station and a baby-change unit that actually turns your baby’s shit to solid gold. #aspirationsareathingofthepast #alcoholtakestheedgeoff

Unfortunately the red wine stained and after a few too many dunks in the washing up bowl, Sophie’s squeaker is now broken! So, Sophie is now mute due to alcohol. I’m sure there’s a lesson in there somewhere… #sticktogin

It’s only when you have children that you understand the true irritance of people who park in the Parent & Child spaces without being anything close to an actual parent. This morning at the supermarket, some silly cow in an Audi TT not only pulled up next to me in a clearly marked P&C spot, but had the cheek smile at me and make the …

Mummy had a drink last night The wine it sure did flow Now everywhere that mummy goes the chunder monkey shows It followed her all round the house and then to Tesco Express Where she bought three snickers bars and Alkaseltzer Xcess She made it home and held it together until she smelt that nappy Anticipating a border breach she quickly called for ‘Daddy!’ Mummy …

Out to lunch with the girls (maternity leave daily must do) and have descended upon a posh hotel for champagne afternoon tea. Managed to look ultra glam and almost like I had it together right up to the point the waiter brought me over a refreshed flute of pink champers… He then not only had to make a space for it between a pukey muslin …

I’m considering a Jumperoo in every room… too much..?